Saturday, July 09, 2011
"Do you know what today is?"
That's part of the hook from Tony Toni Tone's infamous couple's anthem Anniversary. [But those of you, like moi, who came of age during the
90s glory days of R&B probably already knew that.] I'm listening to the song--for the first time in years--as I type, out of cruel irony more than anything else. This song is more like my 'anti-soundtrack' because even though today actually is my anniversary, July 9th marks a dreaded milestone in my life: yet another year of singleness.
I don't have the intestinal fortitude to confess exactly how long it's been since my last relationship ended; since the last time I was kissed or even held. *long exhale* Just the thought of it is beyond [clinically] depressing. But this morning I told myself that I wasn't going to let the 'cloud of July 9th' overshadow my entire day, as has happened in the past. I opened my Bible to the book of Job because, in all honesty, I figured I could only make it through the day by reading about someone whose life sucked exponentially more than mine [yes, cruel and unusual--I know--but hey, it worked]. After meaningful meditation on real suffering in life, I skipped right over to Psalms since I was guaranteed to find something reassuring there. I did. By the time I closed my Bible, the joy of the Lord truly was my strength, and my mantra, at that moment in time.
Though my world tends to revolve around me and my issues, I have to remind myself that it truly is NOT about me. The story of Job reminded me, yet again, that it's not what we do--or don't do--that determines what happens to us. It was because Job was an upstanding man that Satan dared God to allow him to attack his faith in God and strength of character. I'm not trying to say that I'm on Job's level but we both question[ed] the fairness of God's actions while remaining true to our belief that He ultimately knows what is best. What if my
suffering singleness is for a greater purpose than I can grasp right now? I mean, Job's life story is still inspiring me and countless others thousands of years after he ceased to exist. Suppose this tear-laced blog post can let just one other woman know that it is possible to be single/abstinent and keep your sanity--even if by just a thread... is it worth my anguish?
I want to believe that the answer is "yes". I also want to believe that, just like Job, I will be compensated for my pain many times over and testify to the world about where God brought me from. The truth is that I'm also scared to death that I won't get to exhale after waiting for so long. But if I say that I trust Him, I'll have to do just that--TRUST HIM.