Sunday, June 22, 2014


That's the first word that comes to mind when, as an outsider looking in, I witness the kind of women around me who are already married. I'll be the first to admit that the saying is true: Comparison is the thief of joy.  But at the same time, I ask myself "Is that how I have to be to get a ring??"  I mean, women who can't/don't cook; women who are overbearing and bossy; women who are not even slightly... well, I'll leave that one alone since I'm being judgmental enough.

The nature of my comments betray the fact that I am ultimately judging myself.  By comparing the things that I can/will do in a marriage to the things that [some] married women can't/won't, I am saying simply this: Well, what's wrong with me??  

Don't get it twisted, though--I am well aware of the fact that people get married for all the wrong reasons. Simply walking down the aisle is the easiest part of what should be a life-long commitment to love and to cherish.  But all I'm saying is, this is something of a 'wake-up' call regarding my ideals vs. the realities of marriage.  I have absolutely NO right to say who deserves to be proposed to [even though I have definitely questioned why some women did #realtalk], but I now realize that things I thought were supposed to be requirements are not necessarily even priorities.  Makes me wonder what the odds are of getting hitched to a man who doesn't care how I look, or what I say, or if I can keep house.... cuz I know some sistas who definitely hit those jackpots! But I digress...

It's these kinds of superficial ramblings that fill my head; clearly not the kind of content I want to make a habit of posting. But I guess I'm sharing this because I view it as some sort of revelation.  I don't have to be the Proverbs 31 woman to get a husband!! But then that begs the question: What kind of man would I get?

Saturday, April 19, 2014

WANTED: dead or alive

I'm alive... physically. 

Emotionally?  I guess that depends on when you ask.

Spiritually?  *pfft*  That's an ongoing conflict; they say struggle is a sign that you're not dead [yet].

I feel irresponsible and a bit ashamed for 'abandoning' Holy Hotness the way I did. Not like anybody lost any sleep over the halt in content but I like to see things through to completion.  I guess I had to do that with other situations in my life and this blog suffered because of it.  But when I look back over my posts, even though I'm positive that my words were able to help others, I think the writing did more to help me than anyone else... but I am grateful for the 'company'.

I don't foresee completely shutting this down, but I know that I won't be able to write as regularly as I would like to.  What am I saying?  I don't even know.  When I figure it out, I'll be sure to say it here, though.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Fling Chune FRIDAY: Angels

Hey errybodaaaay! Hope you all had a great week and have an awesome weekend. I'm feelin kinda crunk right now, and you can blame tonight's chune fo dat!

Angels by KB, featuring Flame, is that hot track that makes you just wanna bounce. Like, you can't NOT get crunk offa dis! Any peeps from the Dirty South in this piece? HOLLAAAAAA!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Fling Chune FRIDAY: Abide

It's been LONG overdue.... but FCF is baaaaaaack!!! Can't promise a new chune every Friday, but you guys have been more than patient--I appreciate y'all!

So with no further ado long talkin', this week we're hearing from Rhythm-n-Praise artist Lexi. Lemme just say that if the music thing doesn't work out for her at some point, she can def make it in show-business.  I mean, her church-themed comedy sketches are mad hilarious and she also has a talk show... but sista gurl can blow, too!

This chune, Abide, became one of my instant faves because of the way it just rolls off the ear.  Lyrically, it's a worship song but musically, it got stank with a tinge of classic Motown R&B. Just lurrrve the vibe! Anyway, time for you to enjoy summa dis heah!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

strength = weakness

Being strong is a blessing and a curse. When you're like me--so used to being the support system for others, or nobody ever sees you sweat under pressure--people think of you as invincible... when the complete opposite is the truth.

They figure, "She's tough, nothing gets under her skin!" When, in actuality, I made my own skin tough as leather to protect the tender heart underneath. Truth is, I find it therapeutic to help others through their issues because it helps me take my mind off of my own.  But what disturbs me is when I do reach out for help--as rare as that may be--somehow I expect my peeps to show that they care just a little bit more... but I'm almost always left wanting in that regard.  I've expressed my distress, so should I really have to ask you to give just a little more of a damn?? And this is supposed to be my 'inner circle'... SMH

Sounds like I've just got some sucky friends... or is this just par for the course when you've been blessed(?!) to help bear the burdens of others? I dunno, but I feel like this outer layer of toughness needs to be peeled off one way or another. I just gotta figure out who I can let close to me if I'm gonna leave myself so open......

to be continued?

Sunday, September 08, 2013

the war within

How does one reconcile between equal yet opposing forces/ideas/emotions?  The struggle is real, ladies and gentlemen, and I need to vent about mine.

About my ex-boyfriend...
  1. I hate that I even still have feelings for him. Like, especially after the way he treated me most recently... I must be a glutton for punishment.  He obviously doesn't want me. He's not even about that saved live. Why am I not over him already?? Why do memories and fantasies of him haunt the inner recesses of my mind?
  2. In a twisted way, I wonder if my feelings for him are a sneak preview what unconditional love is.  I won't deny that selfish motives were involved on my part, but there is a deeper symbolism. [the desire] To love someone who pushes you away is exemplified by God all the time. They hurt you but you still want the best for them.  They ignore you but anytime they might need you, you'll be there.  This experience makes me more sympathetic towards the way we treat God and I appreciate His love all the more.
Every time I find out that someone else I know got engaged/married...
  1. I'm happy that another couple is committed to each other in life and love, and I pray the best for their relationship.
  2. A little piece of me dies inside because I yearn to have the same for myself, yet there are no prospects on the horizon.

When I think about the current status of my life...
  1. It saddens me that I haven't accomplished so many things that I set out to do when I was much younger.  I want to do more, be more, LIVE more!
  2. Yet, I feel like an ungrateful wretch to have what I do and long for more when so many others in the world are suffering. Their lives are the sum total of REAL suffering; and here I am whining about my 1st-world problems. Ugh!
Concerning my relationship with Jesus...
  1. I know He is real because of amazing things He's already done in my life. I chose Him because He chose me... loved me... died for me. I feel honored to know that He used Himself as collateral for my sinful debts. I believe that whatever He does is in my best interest, even though I don't always understand.
  2. I hate that I don't understand what God is doing in my life and it frustrates the crap outta me! I know He hears my prayers and is working behind the scenes but so much seems SO unfair. I'm tired of not getting any answers (or not the answers that I want). My faith feels worn out!

I'm well aware of the eternal battle between flesh and spirit but that doesn't bring me any comfort in dealing with these inner conflicts. Welp, just wanted to get this off my chest. As you were.

be blessed,

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

God as parent, part 2: relationship(s) with God, exposited

Welcome to the third post in the series Relationship(s) with God, Exposited and part two of the topic God as Parent; feel free to get caught up on part one. Once again, here's my disclaimer: I don't have any children, but I have closely observed parents (including my own) with the expectation of someday becoming one.

Back in part one, I gave an overview of the way God loves all His children by default and that His affections bubble over once we decide to become His spiritual offspring (through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ).  That piece ended with a nod towards discipline--the necessary evil of parenting--and that is the focus of this installment.  Just for clarity's sake, here's a thorough definition:


[dis-uh-plin] noun; verb, dis·ci·plined, dis·ci·plin·ing.

1. training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.
2. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training
3. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.
4. the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.
5. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.

There are plenty of instances in the Bible where disciplining a child is prescribed as the remedy for a young life ending--or even beginning--in despair.  One of my grandmother's favorites when I was growing up was "Don't spare the rod and spoil the child". [Proverbs 23:13-14 That verse implies corporal punishment, known locally as a "cut arse" [Caribbeanspeak for spanking], but we all know that discipline can be inflicted in MANY more ways than just physically.  In more general terms, we read that "The Lord chastens whom He loves" [Hebrews 12:6 and there are several examples in the Bible where God did that in two ways: proactively and reactively.

Samson, of Old Testament fame, is one of the first names that comes to mind in the case of reactive discipline. He deliberately disobeyed God's assignment for his life and paid severe consequences for doing so: losing his blessing of supernatural strength, capture and blinding by the enemy, public humiliation, and untimely death. [Judges 16]   The next candidate in this category is Jonah and his disobedience, then punishment, of epic proportions. God sent him to warn a city of impending doom, but he wasn't havin' that and took off in the opposite direction... dude became dinner for a whale, then got puked up on a beach.  #NOTwinning [Jonah 1-2]  Luckily for him, his disciplinary action didn't result in death and he had enough sense to do what God sent him to do in the first place. [Jonah 3]

Proactive discipline is a bit more profound because we don't always understand the lesson we are supposed to learn during the process of said discipline.  Take King David, for example... he wasn't even legit as king until well into later in his life, even though he was anointed for the position as a youth.  Could you imagine what that felt like??  Basically, you're told that God chose you to run His nation--but not yet.  Just sit tight for a couple decades. Right.  So proactive discipline for David came in the form of patience and preparation. 

To pass the time until he could ascend the throne, young David was out in the pastures protecting his father's sheep from lions and bears. Little did he know that doing the 'dirty work' behind the scenes would catapult him to the forefront by killing a giant that punked trained warriors. [1 Samuel 17:34-37]  But it didn't end there because David then joined the army of the king; musta been really awkward working for the man you know you're going to replace, but he.o.e.n.o. (Yeah, I said it.)  It probably didn't dawn on him at the time, but enlisting to serve and then rising through the ranks to lead said army was essentially basic training in leadership.  Kinda useful if you're gonna run a whole country, no?  So by the time it was David's turn to wear the crown, he'd already been through "King 101" because God had orchestrated the events of his life to provide the discipline needed to be Israel's most noteworthy leader.  Checking for his general's wife, knocking her up, then having him whacked wasn't in God's syllabus, tho... that was definitely some extracurricular activity on David's part. Yeah...

The moral of the story is that discipline doesn't necessarily equal punishment, but God--like any other loving parent--won't hesitate to use punitive action to teach a serious lesson.  On the other hand, He wants His children to be prepared for the responsibilities that come with the blessings that He has for us.  So think of a teen itching to drive dad's car... Dad would be irresponsible, foolish or both to give junior the keys before making  sure that he's passed driving school and/or gotten his learner's permit.  But when Dad does hand over the keys, it's to a son who was trained on how to enjoy the blessing of a whip responsibly (we can hope).

So when we endure seemingly unfair punishment and wonder what we did wrong, keep in mind that God might just be inflicting a good dose of discipline for our benefit in the long run.  Yeah, just gotta love our Heavenly Father!

be blessed,