Sunday, September 08, 2013

the war within

How does one reconcile between equal yet opposing forces/ideas/emotions?  The struggle is real, ladies and gentlemen, and I need to vent about mine.

About my ex-boyfriend...
  1. I hate that I even still have feelings for him. Like, especially after the way he treated me most recently... I must be a glutton for punishment.  He obviously doesn't want me. He's not even about that saved live. Why am I not over him already?? Why do memories and fantasies of him haunt the inner recesses of my mind?
  2. In a twisted way, I wonder if my feelings for him are a sneak preview what unconditional love is.  I won't deny that selfish motives were involved on my part, but there is a deeper symbolism. [the desire] To love someone who pushes you away is exemplified by God all the time. They hurt you but you still want the best for them.  They ignore you but anytime they might need you, you'll be there.  This experience makes me more sympathetic towards the way we treat God and I appreciate His love all the more.
Every time I find out that someone else I know got engaged/married...
  1. I'm happy that another couple is committed to each other in life and love, and I pray the best for their relationship.
  2. A little piece of me dies inside because I yearn to have the same for myself, yet there are no prospects on the horizon.

When I think about the current status of my life...
  1. It saddens me that I haven't accomplished so many things that I set out to do when I was much younger.  I want to do more, be more, LIVE more!
  2. Yet, I feel like an ungrateful wretch to have what I do and long for more when so many others in the world are suffering. Their lives are the sum total of REAL suffering; and here I am whining about my 1st-world problems. Ugh!
Concerning my relationship with Jesus...
  1. I know He is real because of amazing things He's already done in my life. I chose Him because He chose me... loved me... died for me. I feel honored to know that He used Himself as collateral for my sinful debts. I believe that whatever He does is in my best interest, even though I don't always understand.
  2. I hate that I don't understand what God is doing in my life and it frustrates the crap outta me! I know He hears my prayers and is working behind the scenes but so much seems SO unfair. I'm tired of not getting any answers (or not the answers that I want). My faith feels worn out!

I'm well aware of the eternal battle between flesh and spirit but that doesn't bring me any comfort in dealing with these inner conflicts. Welp, just wanted to get this off my chest. As you were.

be blessed,


  1. I swear I wrote your first section about your ex, a MILLION times about my own ex in 2010. He cheated on me, moved one, sent me an email two days before he married the girl he cheated on me with and I still struggled with thinking him and thinking he was my only chance at love and happiness. I struggled for over 2 years with those thoughts. I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to move on. The two things I did that I know made the difference- no contact with him, no checking up on him online and surrendering thoughts of him to God. second, letting God love and heal me and the hurt caused by his treatment of me. lastly, forgiveness. that put the nail in the coffin of my relationship with my ex. when I was finally able to forgive, I was able to be over him. I know you will too, but give yourself time, don't push yourself to move on or beat yourself up. seek the Lord in the emotions and the pain, and the thoughts.

    and girl, I hear you about engagements and weddings. I remember so vividly the hurt and the knife that digs when another woman gets a ring on her finger. but the reason I have hope for you and my sisters is this time LAST year I was convinced it was NEVER going to happen. and I'm 77 days from getting married. it all changes so FAST. the sermon this morning had a quote that struck me
    "Trust God in the brilliant delays."
    I can envision my life with my ex and it is an ugly, sad Godless life. I'm so glad God didn't give me what I begged him for. He gave me what I need. and it took a LONG time, but this relationship has happened so fast, I can't even believe God's graciousness. he has indeed redeemed the time. He's so good at that.
    hugs to you. hopefully none of this has felt too preachy or "chin up", cuz I have been there and I hate it when people just expect me to be "ok". God's got you!

    1. Lady Brooke... what can I say to that?! WOW! Thank you SO much for sharing your experiences with me. I know I'm not alone in my struggles but it always helps to be encouraged by someone who's been there, done that and got the t-shirt. :-) Congratulations on your engagement!! I look forward to the day that I can encourage another young woman with the story of how the Lord blessed me with a man after his own heart when I thought it would never happen. ^_^ God bless you in your marriage and all that you do!

  2. I completely understand. Except your ex is my current bf...which doesn't even make sense to me, so don't worry that you don't get it either.
    What I've realized is that I give unselfish love and that gets taken for granted. Sounds like you too. You don't like to see someone you care about in a bad position so if they need you, you're willing to put yourself on the line. It sounds silly, and it really is after a certain point.
    Only thing I can tell you is to seriously throw yourself into what God has said He has for you. That's what I'm trying to do so I can be in one piece after I break off with my deadweight

    1. Girl, it's good to hear from you! Ain't seen you on Tumblr for a minute. How you been?

      Oh, I get it... trust! Matter of fact, Lauryn Hill couldn't have said it any better: I loved real hard once/but the love wasn't returned/found out the man I'd die for/wasn't even concerned... when it hurts so bad/why's it feel so good?

      But I'll pray for your heart--and mine--to be so filled with God that the absence of a man won't leave a void behind. Feel free to reach out if you need to vent, or someone to encourage you to 'nudge' you forward in making a clean break. God bless, sista gurl!