About my ex-boyfriend...
- I hate that I even still have feelings for him. Like, especially after the way he treated me most recently... I must be a glutton for punishment. He obviously doesn't want me. He's not even about that saved live. Why am I not over him already?? Why do memories and fantasies of him haunt the inner recesses of my mind?
- In a twisted way, I wonder if my feelings for him are a sneak preview what unconditional love is. I won't deny that selfish motives were involved on my part, but there is a deeper symbolism. [the desire] To love someone who pushes you away is exemplified by God all the time. They hurt you but you still want the best for them. They ignore you but anytime they might need you, you'll be there. This experience makes me more sympathetic towards the way we treat God and I appreciate His love all the more.
- I'm happy that another couple is committed to each other in life and love, and I pray the best for their relationship.
- A little piece of me dies inside because I yearn to have the same for myself, yet there are no prospects on the horizon.
When I think about the current status of my life...
- It saddens me that I haven't accomplished so many things that I set out to do when I was much younger. I want to do more, be more, LIVE more!
- Yet, I feel like an ungrateful wretch to have what I do and long for more when so many others in the world are suffering. Their lives are the sum total of REAL suffering; and here I am whining about my 1st-world problems. Ugh!
- I know He is real because of amazing things He's already done in my life. I chose Him because He chose me... loved me... died for me. I feel honored to know that He used Himself as collateral for my sinful debts. I believe that whatever He does is in my best interest, even though I don't always understand.
- I hate that I don't understand what God is doing in my life and it frustrates the crap outta me! I know He hears my prayers and is working behind the scenes but so much seems SO unfair. I'm tired of not getting any answers (or not the answers that I want). My faith feels worn out!
I'm well aware of the eternal battle between flesh and spirit but that doesn't bring me any comfort in dealing with these inner conflicts. Welp, just wanted to get this off my chest. As you were.