Saturday, February 16, 2013

The "heart" truth?*

*Disclaimer: "The heart truth" is a registered trademark for a program of the National Institutes of Health.  Full attribution has been given via the official website here [] and no commercial gain is resulting from the use of the slogan as the title of this blog post.*

Yes, the word "heart" is in the title, but I can assure you that this isn't post-Valentine's day fluff and sweetness.  I've been mulling over this topic for a minute and I just hope it can bless somebody because it's coming from raw feels deep down inside. 

The world says: The heart wants what [who] the heart wants. The word says:  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it? I can say from personal experience that both are unmistakeably true.  Over the last several months, I've been on a journey that took me to the outskirts of emotional purgatory, courtesy of my "heart".  At 30 years old, I learned things about myself that genuinely scared the mess outta me primarily because I was willing to let my feels overrule my thoughts.  That never happens to me... but it did.

At some point, I made the decision to get something I had gone without for longer than I was willing to tolerate: sex/[a sorry substitute for] love/emotional affirmation from a man.... one that I knew and trusted.... one that I was in love with once upon a time.  Without any other romantic interests looking in my direction, he seemed like the 'logical' choice.  Plus, I was picking up some vibes from him that he was feeling me too, so... all systems GO! for "Operation: Get Some", right?!!  Sure!  Except for a minor detail called sin; aka disobeying God; bka following my heart.

My 'heart' was leading me straight to hell, and I was doing the REAL Harlem shake [holla to Puff Daddy!] all the way there.  I was under no misconceptions about my intentions and the actions they were leading to.  In fact, I had made up my mind that I was gonna ride my carnal inclinations for all they were worth [you know that pun was intended!], brace myself for the firestorm of consequences and repercussions, then grovel for forgiveness at the feet of all-merciful God.  After all, He has pardoned others of much 'worse' than what I had in mind so how bad could it be? Welp, let's see: unplanned pregnancy, STDs/HIV, sexual assault, unauthorized sex tapes, rejection, emotional abuse, and untimely death (just because *shrug*).... and I just came up with those off the top of my head.

And--would ya believe it?--my 'heart' still wanted to go through with this twisted affair!  So when the Bible tells you straight up that the heart is "deceitful above all things": if ya don't know, now ya know!  The funny thing is that my brain computed all of these risks, yet my heart flesh was able to cancel them out.  For the sake of a man that I used to be truly in love with YEARS ago but who 'kinda sorta liked me' now, but did nothing to actually show it. My brain told me that I was setting myself up for massive disappointment and that this situation was wrong on every level, but I convinced myself that I was being "true to my feelings". 

To make a long, sordid story short, he and I never hooked up.  In fact, he pretty much dismissed me after I confessed my true feelings for him.  Yeah... didn't see that coming.  It was the worst AND best thing that could have happened to me.  I'm convinced that God blocked it as a way to rescue my pitiful self from an epic fail (and I'll have more thoughts to share on that later).  But even now, I can't figure out why my heart wanted this man so desperately!  Growing up, I observed women act the damn fool over men who weren't worth the time of day, and I thought to myself "She is SO sad. Desperation ain't a good look, girl--leave him yesterday, already!"  But I never thought I'd be that girl, better yet, completely embrace what it felt like to be that girl. Y'all, I was so twisted that I found myself sympathizing with Olivia Pope's adulterous escapades! (For those of you who aren't "gladiators in suits", I'm talking about the main character of the TV show Scandal.) Being ruled by your heart/flesh takes you to a dark place and I think I just scratched the surface of the damage that can result. I can never again judge a woman who says "I don't know why I love him--I just do."  But what I can do is pray that, like me, God gives her the intervention she doesn't want but badly needs needs to rip her from her own heart's grimy claws.

So, what now?  Truth is, I'm still traumatized by the whole mess that is the current state of my spiritual/emotional life, but dude is slowly being deleted from my system.  Allowing Jesus back to His rightful place in my heart is tough but at least I'm back on the right track.  It's no easy task to exchange current desires for future blessings, and I struggle with that every single day.  But if I'm gonna be the Christian that I claim to be, this just comes with the territory. [sigh]  

Create in me a [clean] pure heart, O God, and renew a [right] steadfast spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

be blessed,


  1. Hey I've missed you! If they're honest most women will admit to going through what you described. In my humble opinion how they respond to that life lesson is the true test of their faith. We are all flawed. You will probably get tested on that lesson again. Maybe on the same paper, if you know what I mean. Learn from it, but don't let it consume you. Let it go so you can move forward and accept wholly and completely all the wonderful plans The Lord has for you.
    Sending vibes of peace, understanding, and joy your way ��

  2. Hey OTC, I've missed myself, too--thanks! :-) You hit a couple of nails right on the head, though... especially about getting tested again! As hurt/angry/confused as I am with him, I honestly ask myself how I would react the next time we're in touch. However it goes, I'm NOT looking forward to it but I just pray that the Spirit is the one speaking and not the flesh.