Sunday, June 23, 2013

life in "draft mode"

I have this... thing.  I attribute it to the perfectionist in me but who knows what the real deal is?  Anyway, it's this thing where I feel the need to express myself clearly and effectively, all the time.  For that very reason, writing is my preferred medium of communication because I can craft an interaction--no matter how formal or mundane--to perfection. It's to the point where I often start an e-mail, blog post, or text[!] and then let it sit in the Drafts folder until I can go back and tinker with it.  Yeah... definitely a thing.

It's not like I aspire to become the next Alice Walker or Ernest Hemingway, but I always feel that something can be said [i.e. written] better than it comes out initially.  This is especially true when I have to write about or respond to a matter that's urgent or dear to my heart. I make it a point to never write, or even speak, in anger or haste... while an e-mail can be 'un-sent' or a post deleted, words that reach the eyes/ears of another can never be retracted.

In a broader sense, I realize that I generally live my life in the same manner: in draft mode, as it were.  Always seeking to revise my plans to perfection or not act on something unless it has been "proof-read" for error... And after all that, you would think that I'd have it all together. HA!  It's an exercise in futility, if you ask me.  I find myself constantly trying to re-create and edit but the final drafts rarely come to fruition--the way I want them to, anyways.  While I strive for perfection (in my eyes), I realize that life is passing me by in all of it's flawed splendor.  There are so many things that I want to do but I'm waiting to get everything 'in place', first.  It's like I'm stuck at my own drawing board re-writing the story of my existence, yet the final draft never leaves my hand.  

It's not like I haven't done anything worthy in my time on Earth, but there's so much more.  Some things have worked according to plan, others unfolded unexpectedly, and yet others have not manifested.  Within the last year, I put a dent in my short bucket list, with God's help.  That was definitely a big step towards owning my drafts and making them perfectly imperfect... and it felt freakin' fantastic!!  I don't foresee myself creating loose ends in my life all willy-nilly but I am now less afraid of having every 'i' dotted and every 't' crossed than I thought possible.  I'm venturing into the unknown more and while every outcome may not be the way I planned it, I have a greater sense of peace having known that I did something unexpected.

Draft mode is slowly fading into the background.  My life is now a continually evolving manuscript, authored by God and produced by me.  How is the story of your existence being written?