dumbfounded

That's the first word that comes to mind when, as an outsider looking in, I witness the kind of women around me who are already married. I'll be the first to admit that the saying is true: Comparison is the thief of joy.  But at the same time, I ask myself "Is that how I have to be to get a ring??"  I mean, women who can't/don't cook; women who are overbearing and bossy; women who are not even slightly... well, I'll leave that one alone since I'm being judgmental enough.

The nature of my comments betray the fact that I am ultimately judging myself.  By comparing the things that I can/will do in a marriage to the things that [some] married women can't/won't, I am saying simply this: Well, what's wrong with me??  

Don't get it twisted, though--I am well aware of the fact that people get married for all the wrong reasons. Simply walking down the aisle is the easiest part of what should be a life-long commitment to love and to cherish.  But all I'm saying is, this is something of a 'wake-up' call regarding my ideals vs. the realities of marriage.  I have absolutely NO right to say who deserves to be proposed to [even though I have definitely questioned why some women did #realtalk], but I now realize that things I thought were supposed to be requirements are not necessarily even priorities.  Makes me wonder what the odds are of getting hitched to a man who doesn't care how I look, or what I say, or if I can keep house.... cuz I know some sistas who definitely hit those jackpots! But I digress...

It's these kinds of superficial ramblings that fill my head; clearly not the kind of content I want to make a habit of posting. But I guess I'm sharing this because I view it as some sort of revelation.  I don't have to be the Proverbs 31 woman to get a husband!! But then that begs the question: What kind of man would I get?

life in "draft mode"

I have this... thing.  I attribute it to the perfectionist in me but who knows what the real deal is?  Anyway, it's this thing where I feel the need to express myself clearly and effectively, all the time.  For that very reason, writing is my preferred medium of communication because I can craft an interaction--no matter how formal or mundane--to perfection. It's to the point where I often start an e-mail, blog post, or text[!] and then let it sit in the Drafts folder until I can go back and tinker with it.  Yeah... definitely a thing.

It's not like I aspire to become the next Alice Walker or Ernest Hemingway, but I always feel that something can be said [i.e. written] better than it comes out initially.  This is especially true when I have to write about or respond to a matter that's urgent or dear to my heart. I make it a point to never write, or even speak, in anger or haste... while an e-mail can be 'un-sent' or a post deleted, words that reach the eyes/ears of another can never be retracted.

In a broader sense, I realize that I generally live my life in the same manner: in draft mode, as it were.  Always seeking to revise my plans to perfection or not act on something unless it has been "proof-read" for error... And after all that, you would think that I'd have it all together. HA!  It's an exercise in futility, if you ask me.  I find myself constantly trying to re-create and edit but the final drafts rarely come to fruition--the way I want them to, anyways.  While I strive for perfection (in my eyes), I realize that life is passing me by in all of it's flawed splendor.  There are so many things that I want to do but I'm waiting to get everything 'in place', first.  It's like I'm stuck at my own drawing board re-writing the story of my existence, yet the final draft never leaves my hand.  

It's not like I haven't done anything worthy in my time on Earth, but there's so much more.  Some things have worked according to plan, others unfolded unexpectedly, and yet others have not manifested.  Within the last year, I put a dent in my short bucket list, with God's help.  That was definitely a big step towards owning my drafts and making them perfectly imperfect... and it felt freakin' fantastic!!  I don't foresee myself creating loose ends in my life all willy-nilly but I am now less afraid of having every 'i' dotted and every 't' crossed than I thought possible.  I'm venturing into the unknown more and while every outcome may not be the way I planned it, I have a greater sense of peace having known that I did something unexpected.

Draft mode is slowly fading into the background.  My life is now a continually evolving manuscript, authored by God and produced by me.  How is the story of your existence being written?

blessings,

pVI

On the Road Again...

Hi all!  I know it's been a while since I've been on and the Friday chunes haven't been flingin' as usual (so sorry).  But it's for a valid reason: I am traveling at the moment.  Some time away from the norm was sorely needed and I'm glad I could take it.   

God has allowed me to undergo some serious personal development while away, and I am so very thankful for this opportunity.  I am amazed at what I've been able to accomplish and I would encourage everyone reading to create a personal goals list, if you haven't done so already.  There are some things that I've been wanting to do for years and now that they are all on a list, I am crossing them off in record time.  It may be coincidence, but I really believe that there's power when you "write the vision and make it plain...".

So my hope is to post more regularly once I get back home.  Please know that I haven't forgotten about you and that this period of personal renewal will become evident in my future content.  Thanks for reading and for your prayers.

God bless,

pVI