the war within

How does one reconcile between equal yet opposing forces/ideas/emotions?  The struggle is real, ladies and gentlemen, and I need to vent about mine.

About my ex-boyfriend...

1. I hate that I even still have feelings for him. Like, especially after the way he treated me most recently... I must be a glutton for punishment.  He obviously doesn't want me. He's not even about that saved live. Why am I not over him already?? Why do memories and fantasies of him haunt the inner recesses of my mind?
2. In a twisted way, I wonder if my feelings for him are a sneak preview what unconditional love is.  I won't deny that selfish motives were involved on my part, but there is a deeper symbolism. [the desire] To love someone who pushes you away is exemplified by God all the time. They hurt you but you still want the best for them.  They ignore you but anytime they might need you, you'll be there.  This experience makes me more sympathetic towards the way we treat God and I appreciate His love all the more.

Every time I find out that someone else I know got engaged/married...

1. I'm happy that another couple is committed to each other in life and love, and I pray the best for their relationship.
2. A little piece of me dies inside because I yearn to have the same for myself, yet there are no prospects on the horizon.

When I think about the current status of my life...

1. It saddens me that I haven't accomplished so many things that I set out to do when I was much younger.  I want to do more, be more, LIVE more!
2. Yet, I feel like an ungrateful wretch to have what I do and long for more when so many others in the world are suffering. Their lives are the sum total of REAL suffering; and here I am whining about my 1st-world problems. Ugh!

Concerning my relationship with Jesus...

1. I know He is real because of amazing things He's already done in my life. I chose Him because He chose me... loved me... died for me. I feel honored to know that He used Himself as collateral for my sinful debts. I believe that whatever He does is in my best interest, even though I don't always understand.
2. I hate that I don't understand what God is doing in my life and it frustrates the crap outta me! I know He hears my prayers and is working behind the scenes but so much seems SO unfair. I'm tired of not getting any answers (or not the answers that I want). My faith feels worn out!

I'm well aware of the eternal battle between flesh and spirit but that doesn't bring me any comfort in dealing with these inner conflicts. Welp, just wanted to get this off my chest. As you were.

be blessed,
pVI

life in "draft mode"

I have this... thing.  I attribute it to the perfectionist in me but who knows what the real deal is?  Anyway, it's this thing where I feel the need to express myself clearly and effectively, all the time.  For that very reason, writing is my preferred medium of communication because I can craft an interaction--no matter how formal or mundane--to perfection. It's to the point where I often start an e-mail, blog post, or text[!] and then let it sit in the Drafts folder until I can go back and tinker with it.  Yeah... definitely a thing.

It's not like I aspire to become the next Alice Walker or Ernest Hemingway, but I always feel that something can be said [i.e. written] better than it comes out initially.  This is especially true when I have to write about or respond to a matter that's urgent or dear to my heart. I make it a point to never write, or even speak, in anger or haste... while an e-mail can be 'un-sent' or a post deleted, words that reach the eyes/ears of another can never be retracted.

In a broader sense, I realize that I generally live my life in the same manner: in draft mode, as it were.  Always seeking to revise my plans to perfection or not act on something unless it has been "proof-read" for error... And after all that, you would think that I'd have it all together. HA!  It's an exercise in futility, if you ask me.  I find myself constantly trying to re-create and edit but the final drafts rarely come to fruition--the way I want them to, anyways.  While I strive for perfection (in my eyes), I realize that life is passing me by in all of it's flawed splendor.  There are so many things that I want to do but I'm waiting to get everything 'in place', first.  It's like I'm stuck at my own drawing board re-writing the story of my existence, yet the final draft never leaves my hand.  

It's not like I haven't done anything worthy in my time on Earth, but there's so much more.  Some things have worked according to plan, others unfolded unexpectedly, and yet others have not manifested.  Within the last year, I put a dent in my short bucket list, with God's help.  That was definitely a big step towards owning my drafts and making them perfectly imperfect... and it felt freakin' fantastic!!  I don't foresee myself creating loose ends in my life all willy-nilly but I am now less afraid of having every 'i' dotted and every 't' crossed than I thought possible.  I'm venturing into the unknown more and while every outcome may not be the way I planned it, I have a greater sense of peace having known that I did something unexpected.

Draft mode is slowly fading into the background.  My life is now a continually evolving manuscript, authored by God and produced by me.  How is the story of your existence being written?

blessings,

pVI

On the Road Again...

Hi all!  I know it's been a while since I've been on and the Friday chunes haven't been flingin' as usual (so sorry).  But it's for a valid reason: I am traveling at the moment.  Some time away from the norm was sorely needed and I'm glad I could take it.   

God has allowed me to undergo some serious personal development while away, and I am so very thankful for this opportunity.  I am amazed at what I've been able to accomplish and I would encourage everyone reading to create a personal goals list, if you haven't done so already.  There are some things that I've been wanting to do for years and now that they are all on a list, I am crossing them off in record time.  It may be coincidence, but I really believe that there's power when you "write the vision and make it plain...".

So my hope is to post more regularly once I get back home.  Please know that I haven't forgotten about you and that this period of personal renewal will become evident in my future content.  Thanks for reading and for your prayers.

God bless,

pVI

Fling Chune FRIDAY: God is Enough

Happy Friday!! :o) Praise God for the end of another work week!

This past week, I was doing lot of reflecting on my life. As I'm staring down the barrel of my 30th birthday, I started thinking about where I thought I would 'be' by now... goals, timelines, dreams, accomplishments, and the like. The funny thing is that pretty much nothing has turned out the way I planned when I started forecasting my adult life back in high school.  I didn't end up in the career I thought I would, I'm not settled down in a loving marriage (with at least one child), HECK--I haven't even figured out my purpose in life!

But despite my feelings of disappointment and failure in myself, this chune reminded me of something crucial. I could go down a whole checklist of things that I haven't crossed off by the time I planned... but I have a personal relationship with Jesus--and HE is all I need. Every day I'm blessed with life, I'm accepting that it's all about His perfect plan for my life and--whether or not I understand--He is guiding my every step with His loving hands.

So as you're doing the 'office chair bounce' to this big chune, know that it doesn't matter what you don't have--God is always [more than] enough!

Have a blessed weekend,

pVI