dumbfounded

That's the first word that comes to mind when, as an outsider looking in, I witness the kind of women around me who are already married. I'll be the first to admit that the saying is true: Comparison is the thief of joy.  But at the same time, I ask myself "Is that how I have to be to get a ring??"  I mean, women who can't/don't cook; women who are overbearing and bossy; women who are not even slightly... well, I'll leave that one alone since I'm being judgmental enough.

The nature of my comments betray the fact that I am ultimately judging myself.  By comparing the things that I can/will do in a marriage to the things that [some] married women can't/won't, I am saying simply this: Well, what's wrong with me??  

Don't get it twisted, though--I am well aware of the fact that people get married for all the wrong reasons. Simply walking down the aisle is the easiest part of what should be a life-long commitment to love and to cherish.  But all I'm saying is, this is something of a 'wake-up' call regarding my ideals vs. the realities of marriage.  I have absolutely NO right to say who deserves to be proposed to [even though I have definitely questioned why some women did #realtalk], but I now realize that things I thought were supposed to be requirements are not necessarily even priorities.  Makes me wonder what the odds are of getting hitched to a man who doesn't care how I look, or what I say, or if I can keep house.... cuz I know some sistas who definitely hit those jackpots! But I digress...

It's these kinds of superficial ramblings that fill my head; clearly not the kind of content I want to make a habit of posting. But I guess I'm sharing this because I view it as some sort of revelation.  I don't have to be the Proverbs 31 woman to get a husband!! But then that begs the question: What kind of man would I get?

Fling Chune... Sunday(?): Wanna Be Lov'd

I hope everyone is having a great weekend thus far.  My apologies for not flingin' a chune on Friday... I wasn't feeling any particular songs earlier in the week, plus I was just emotionally drained.  Normally, music is my picker-upper but I was feeling just a bit too bummy to get musically inspired (yeah, it was that serious).  So now you know part of the reason why my heart and mind are all over the place, but on top of all that, my car has been down for a while, I'm trying to make some advances in my career, and I've been sleep-deprived.  Yeah.... but God is still good, cuz things could be worse.  #truestory

Things weren't completely downhill, though.  This week, I've had some especially intriguing interactions with DarkRyderSouth on YouTube about Christian dating, interracial relationships and God's involvement in both.  He was kind enough to make some response vids on some questions/remarks that I posted so definitely check them out--great insights to consider.

So, in keeping with the vibes flowing this week, I found a chune that seems to fit the bill.  I'm not to familiar with the duo Benjah and Dillavou, but my best stab at describing their flow would be "King California reggae".  That's not an official genre, per se, but I think it fits because there is an unmistakeable reggae flava with "the King's" [Christian] lyrical content.  But there's something in there that I can't quite put my finger on, yet seems a bit "duuuude!" to me.  Maybe it's the obvious--that they're both white boys?  I dunno, but I took a liking to Wanna Be Lov'd; first because the title caught my eye but then because the topic of Christian romance is offered from a male (and Biblical) point of view.  It's far from a Scriptural treatise but I never pass up an opportunity to hear what brothers in Christ have to say. Take a listen for yourself:

Pray Together

I claim no rights to this image... except the right to dream; to pray; to declare with authority that this masterpiece by Kevin "WAK" Williams completely encapsulates my vision of love and marriage.  It is 'the prototype', as far as I'm concerned.

Around my 3rd year of college, I discovered Pray Together, Stay Together and it left me absolutely breathless.  I had not too long before broken up with the love of my life for one reason: spiritual incompatibility (and the cruel irony is that he and I visually resemble this couple).  [Re-]dedicating my life to Christ during a long-distance phase in our relationship made me realize that my boyfriend wasn't about to ride on that journey with me.  It was heart-breaking to end what felt like the best thing to ever happen to me, but I had to prove to God that HE was more important to me than him.  I Kissed Dating Goodbye helped my emotional transition, leading to the next promise I made to God about relationships [the previous one being that I wouldn't have sex until marriage].  I said "God, I trust that You know and want what's best for me. So I want You to choose my next relationship--the one that will be equally [spiritually] yoked and culminate in marriage, until it is broken by death."

So that was *ahem* a long, LONG time ago... #becarefulwhatyouprayfor!  And in recent times, I've become overwhelmed by longing for this person to whom I will become friend/wife/lover/helpmeet, to the point that I've been contemplating getting back with [wait for it...] that same old boyfriend.  Makes perfect sense, right?!  I hold out for years with great expectations of God's best, only to figuratively return to my vomit...  And then I would proceed to entertain that flesh with fantastic scenarios in my mind delicious enough to make my body temperature rise. *slams on spiritual brakes*

OK God, You ain't sayin' nuthin' and I am SO over this waiting business! So, you better give me a man, or a hint--or sumthin' like, yesterday--or else I'm gonna... I'm gonna... do something stupid that You'll I'll regret!!! And then I'll just ask beg and plead for forgiveness like nothing happened.  That is what You do, right?? [Just in case you missed it, that was me threatening God with an ultimatum. Right.]

And what happens next? Just like magic God in all His awesomeness, the following messages supernaturally make their way to me:

Hint #1 - Affirmative prayer via e-mail from my (single) friend and leader of a women's prayer circle containing the following excerpt:

Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me....Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me.

Hint #2 - Sermon audio clip shared by another (single) friend: The Making of a Woman by Pastor Jeffrey Johnson

Hint #3 - Q/A Tumblr post by Jed Brewer: Why is Sex Before Marriage Wrong?

So I've 'heard' from God... What happens now?  I wait some more.  I trust even more.  I pray--a whole lot more!  Because the image above is emblazoned across my consciousness, I won't can't accept anything less, no matter how baaaadly I want to.  God knows that in my heart, I want to adhere to His design for marriage and His perfect will for my life, so I believe that He will honor this in spectacular fashion!  He will orchestrate my discovery as the missing rib to the man who has prayed and fasted for me.  He will guide us together in a moment where our spirits will embrace each other before our bodies have even touched.  And once our bodies do touch for the first time on our wedding night... *mmh* we will be asking begging Him for mercy as our bond of emotional intimacy is sealed in ways we didn't know were humanly possible!  

But once the honeymoon subsides and real life sets in, our spirits will continue to commune with each other in the presence of almighty God.  We will storm the gates of hell in prayer and fasting because this man understands and walks in authority as the high priest of his home!  We will plead the blood of Jesus over our children, families and friends.  We will serve faithfully in our church and community, sowing into the lives of others.  We will be an exponentially greater threat to satan together than we ever could have been individually.  Shoo, we will even pray for God to keep us from killing each other on those 'off' days when he's not feeling me and when he's getting on my last nerve.

But until all of this comes to pass, I will continue to pray.  Then, he and I will pray--together... and stay together.  In Jesus' name, AMEN.

in prayer for him,

pVI

"wifey material", eh?

Ask any guy what he looks for in a future wife and you'll get answers that are as unique as the guy. However, for Christians it's a bit 'easier' to get an idea of what your husband will want because we have a template to follow; a prototype, if you will. *enter superwoman Proverbs 31 woman*

Sooo, yeah... I'll be the first one to admit that reading this particular scripture doesn't exactly sound like my bio (notwithstanding the parts about husband and children). Even though my blog title and personal handle--peculiar VIrtue--both nod in that direction, I realize that I have a lot of work to do before elevating myself to P31 status.

I was talking to a friend over the weekend (who also happens to be a single, Christian woman in her late 20s) and she said, "I just want to be married." This was nothing surprising as I've thought the same thing countless times. In fact, she's the second friend of mine in about 10 days to use that phrase, verbatim. And while I would normally chime in "Me too!" or "I feel you, girl!", this time I took pause. My response this time was, "Yeah, but would I make a good wife?? I dunno..." In my unwillingly lengthy season of singleness, I've had lots of time to take notes and make observations on the wisdom shared by others--married and single. And one concept that has resonated with me comes in the answer to the following question:

Are you the [kind of] person that you would like to be married to?

#realitycheck   I think of who a Christian man would want to call his wife and immediately my mind races to Proverbs 31. I have made countless checklists and re-evaluated deal-breakers when considering who I want to marry but what about me? If I made a checklist out of this scripture, how would I fare? What about you? That's legit, though!

My friend was being supportive [I think...?] when she answered me by saying "I think you'd make a good wife. Then again, I've never tasted your cooking!" I wasn't even mad at that because, truth be told, I'm no Martha Stewart. I love to eat but I hate to cook--straight up! So when verse 15 says that she gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family, I know that I can't mark that off the list. Even my mom fusses with me about not liking to cook; last time she asked, "Are you and your husband gonna just have sex all the time and not have any food in the house to eat?!" I'm like, "Hey! That sounds like a plan!" *rawr* But for real, tho...

On the other hand, I know that I am wise, practical and responsible, so that makes a couple of verses fall in my favor. Some of the other things will reveal themselves once I'm married; such as displaying respect for my husband and caring for our children. But am I really ready to take on all that right now? Like, NOW now?? *sigh* If I'm any kinda honest, the truth is 'probably not'. The good part is that I can [continue to] work on character building. Taking short-term steps towards a long-term goal will help me prepare to earn P31 status.

So the next time a sex- and/or relationship-deprived state of mind drives me--or you--to utter those words, "I just wanna be married!", it may help to re-direct and say "I just wanna be a P31 woman!"

Be blessed,
p[soon-to-be 31]VI

Arranged Marriage

*originally composed January 30th, 2009*

 

Earlier tonight, I was watching a news special on the biology behind "love" and how we decide on one person over another. It followed some couples who met through a dating website; one of the four couples hit it off [but there was no mention of a proposal.]  Marriage didn't enter the conversation until they highlighted one Indian couple living in America—she was 29, he was 30. Both said that they stayed single for so long because they couldn't find "the one".  Part of their traditional culture is to have their parents play 'matchmaker' and choose a potential spouse for them. Each person had their own ideals and priorities for a mate and their families [back in India] basically used classified ads in newspapers to narrow down the candidates. When someone was found to look promising, one family contacted the other and if they met each others' expectations, the hopeful couple is then introduced. This is probably the simplest way to describe what happened but within 10 days of meeting, they decided to get married. And all the while, they had not even kissed yet!

The news reporter commented that this whole 'arrangement' business is such a foreign concept in America. But the practice was defended by the logic that your parents/family know you better than anyone else and have your best interest at heart. Since marriage binds families as well as individuals, it would make sense for both sides to invest in the couple's happiness  [and ultimately their own]. Lord knows how nasty in out-laws can be!

This situation immediately reminded me of the role that God plays as the ultimate 'matchmaker' for us as single Christians. Instead of prowling around with our checklists for the perfect man/woman, we should leave that completely up to Him. Now, I'm not saying that we can't have personal preferences because different traits are attractive to different people, but the point is to not get hung up on "absolutes/deal-breakers". #preachintomyself #helpmejesus The ONLY thing I will NOT compromise is that my husband must be a born-again Christian who is committed to serving the Lord... but I digress. *sorry; back to what I was saying*

Not only does He have our best interests at heart, He actually knows the future. God knows the full potential of the purpose that He created us to fulfill, and we can easily jeopardize our kingdom business by getting mixed up with the wrong spouse.  In a random conversation with a sister who recently got married and had a baby, she enlightened me to the fact that a marriage is an oath—a contract—presented before God. And that that union belongs to Him, first... then to the husband and wife. I had never really thought of it that way before, but it lines up with the Word kinda like this: 

wives submit to husbands + husbands submit to Christ = 
marriage submitted completely to Christ  #winning

Of course, that only works if EVERYONE is doing their necessary submitting...

I must say that I was impressed with the concept of Indian arranged marriages—especially the reported statistic of only 5-7% of them ending in divorce. [However, I take those numbers with a grain shaker of salt because I know that women are subject to harsh laws and repressive socioeconomic conditions in certain countries.] The American rate, even in the church, is about 10 times that. But the thing that left the greatest impression on me is when the woman being interviewed said that she had not yet kissed the man to whom she was about to pledge eternal commitment. To me, that signifies complete faith in her parents' choice, even in the realm of marital intimacy. For me, I would have to at least 'test the waters'... What?! I meant kissing.... #realtalk. But on the other hand, I aspire to reach that level of confidence where I surrender all—romantic desires included—to my heavenly Father. After all, He knew me from within before my mother's womb, then proceeded to make me fearfully and wonderfully. Something tells me not to worry because the Lord has an eye for [even the most minute] details...

Be blessed

pVI