The "heart" truth?*

*Disclaimer: "The heart truth" is a registered trademark for a program of the National Institutes of Health.  Full attribution has been given via the official website here [http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/educational/hearttruth/] and no commercial gain is resulting from the use of the slogan as the title of this blog post.*

Yes, the word "heart" is in the title, but I can assure you that this isn't post-Valentine's day fluff and sweetness.  I've been mulling over this topic for a minute and I just hope it can bless somebody because it's coming from raw feels deep down inside. 

The world says: The heart wants what [who] the heart wants. The word says:  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it? I can say from personal experience that both are unmistakeably true.  Over the last several months, I've been on a journey that took me to the outskirts of emotional purgatory, courtesy of my "heart".  At 30 years old, I learned things about myself that genuinely scared the mess outta me primarily because I was willing to let my feels overrule my thoughts.  That never happens to me... but it did.

At some point, I made the decision to get something I had gone without for longer than I was willing to tolerate: sex/[a sorry substitute for] love/emotional affirmation from a man.... one that I knew and trusted.... one that I was in love with once upon a time.  Without any other romantic interests looking in my direction, he seemed like the 'logical' choice.  Plus, I was picking up some vibes from him that he was feeling me too, so... all systems GO! for "Operation: Get Some", right?!!  Sure!  Except for a minor detail called sin; aka disobeying God; bka following my heart.

My 'heart' was leading me straight to hell, and I was doing the REAL Harlem shake [holla to Puff Daddy!] all the way there.  I was under no misconceptions about my intentions and the actions they were leading to.  In fact, I had made up my mind that I was gonna ride my carnal inclinations for all they were worth [you know that pun was intended!], brace myself for the firestorm of consequences and repercussions, then grovel for forgiveness at the feet of all-merciful God.  After all, He has pardoned others of much 'worse' than what I had in mind so how bad could it be? Welp, let's see: unplanned pregnancy, STDs/HIV, sexual assault, unauthorized sex tapes, rejection, emotional abuse, and untimely death (just because *shrug*).... and I just came up with those off the top of my head.

And--would ya believe it?--my 'heart' still wanted to go through with this twisted affair!  So when the Bible tells you straight up that the heart is "deceitful above all things": if ya don't know, now ya know!  The funny thing is that my brain computed all of these risks, yet my heart flesh was able to cancel them out.  For the sake of a man that I used to be truly in love with YEARS ago but who 'kinda sorta liked me' now, but did nothing to actually show it. My brain told me that I was setting myself up for massive disappointment and that this situation was wrong on every level, but I convinced myself that I was being "true to my feelings". 

To make a long, sordid story short, he and I never hooked up.  In fact, he pretty much dismissed me after I confessed my true feelings for him.  Yeah... didn't see that coming.  It was the worst AND best thing that could have happened to me.  I'm convinced that God blocked it as a way to rescue my pitiful self from an epic fail (and I'll have more thoughts to share on that later).  But even now, I can't figure out why my heart wanted this man so desperately!  Growing up, I observed women act the damn fool over men who weren't worth the time of day, and I thought to myself "She is SO sad. Desperation ain't a good look, girl--leave him yesterday, already!"  But I never thought I'd be that girl, better yet, completely embrace what it felt like to be that girl. Y'all, I was so twisted that I found myself sympathizing with Olivia Pope's adulterous escapades! (For those of you who aren't "gladiators in suits", I'm talking about the main character of the TV show Scandal.) Being ruled by your heart/flesh takes you to a dark place and I think I just scratched the surface of the damage that can result. I can never again judge a woman who says "I don't know why I love him--I just do."  But what I can do is pray that, like me, God gives her the intervention she doesn't want but badly needs needs to rip her from her own heart's grimy claws.

So, what now?  Truth is, I'm still traumatized by the whole mess that is the current state of my spiritual/emotional life, but dude is slowly being deleted from my system.  Allowing Jesus back to His rightful place in my heart is tough but at least I'm back on the right track.  It's no easy task to exchange current desires for future blessings, and I struggle with that every single day.  But if I'm gonna be the Christian that I claim to be, this just comes with the territory. [sigh]  

Create in me a [clean] pure heart, O God, and renew a [right] steadfast spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

be blessed,

pVI 

#feelinginadequate < #Godsgrace

I didn't want this to be a "woe is me" post, rather an explanation of why I haven't been posting regularly for the last few months.  Earlier, I mentioned taking some time off for personal development--and that's what I did (but not really).  I also shared about the downward slope I was sliding on and the fact that I was [not proud about being] just all up in my flesh.  I've been getting my mail in an emotional, spiritual and mental abyss for a minute; it's been ugly.  And that's the reason why I've been so quiet here... I haven't felt worthy of writing here.

Yeah, it's my blog and I don't owe anyone anything here, but my intention has always been to remain true to God and myself, and in so doing, to my readers.  Welp, I've been truly a mess and nobody likes to put their dirty laundry on blast.  But what I'm learning through all this is the significance of God's grace.  All while I was scheming and plotting my way into some epic mischief, He never left me to be undone my own devices.  Believe me when I say I was actively trying to have my "good Christian woman" card revoked, but as the song goes, God blocked it.  Yes, people--God is the ultimate blocker. After my failed attempts, I was finally able to pick my common sense up off the floor and dust it off to realize that He was working behind the scenes to save my [spiritual] behind at the expense of my flesh.  It hurt like hell to not get what I wanted, but what softened the blow was knowing that I was rescued from a LOT more pain down the road if I had succeeded in my schemes.

Soooo, what now?  Since I learned my lesson [hopefully], I'll be working on strengthening my relationship with Him.  After all, any relationship can only be successful if both parties are putting in work.  I was slacking up big time, but God pulled my weight and His.  I'm gonna work on returning the favor.  I know that I'll have my moments and slip up every now and then, but the difference is that I'm in a better head space.  

Thanks for hanging in there with me and for keeping me lifted up during this difficult time.  I've learned a lot about myself and my God, so the struggle was worth it.  It's not over but I'm headed back in the right direction... I hope you'll stick around for the ride.

covered by His grace,

pVI

turning a page...

It has been a while, wow... I've missed you. :-)  I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks for several reasons.  I started off on a path to self-development and spiritual renewal which was going well... and then things started taking some interesting turns--not all for the best, I'm afraid.  

I've been battling with how to handle some major 'possibilities' that have surfaced recently--two things, in particular, that I've spent years in waiting for.  Both are of life-altering magnitude and I am just beside myself in trying to discern God's direction.  

There's a level of selfishness that I've noticed in myself, though, and acting on it can completely derail everything God has done in my life up to this point.  It scares me... that I have even considered taking this situation into my own hands, effectively flying in God's face--and then planning to beg for His mercy afterwards.  Yes ladies and gentlemen: that is how you [plan to] abuse the grace of God.  For the record, I neither recommend nor endorse my own [planned] behavior but I am just being open transparent with you.

It truly is disconcerting: contemplating things that I considered absolutely unthinkable before.  The battle with our flesh (i.e. natural inclination towards sin) is legit, and I'm feeling understanding that now more than ever.  The good thing is that I'm not alone in this. Others have gone through it, are going through it now and will go through it in the future.  I love the way Paul consoles and enlightens us about this struggle in Romans 8:

⁵ Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. ⁶ So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. ⁷ For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. ⁸ That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.
⁹ But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. ¹² Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,^[e] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. ¹³ For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,^[f] you will live. ¹⁴ For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children^[g] of God.

I hope to be driven by God's voice and filled with His spirit in all that I do, but I can't do it alone.  So I'm asking for your prayers as I close out 2012, and seek to open a new chapter of my life in 2013.  Thanks in advance, and stay tuned!

be blessed,
pVI

Molting

I've been in the midst of a serious relapse for the past 2 weeks or so, primarily struggling with lust. Yup, that infamous 'deadly sin' has plagued my thoughts to the point of severely irrational thought patterns. But here's the [really] bad part--oh, how I've enjoyed it... until about yesterday.

 

Constantly asking God to forgive me and help me to stop indulging in deliciously sinful thoughts became a recent empty ritual because I knew it was wrong, but I didn't allow my will to overpower my mind--rather, my flesh. That part of humanity which remains in constant battle with our spirituality had me all wrapped up. And then--thankfully--the Holy Spirit granted me a profound revelation in the form of a process that's as natural as nature itself: molting. Just in case the term doesn't sound familiar, let's take it back to 3rd grade science class for just a moment.

molt:

1. verb (used without object) - (of birds, insects, reptiles, etc.) to cast or shed the feathers, skin, or the like, that will be replaced by a new growth.

2. verb (used with object) - to cast or shed (feathers, skin, etc.) in the process of renewal.

That's the technical definition above, but how does that apply spiritually? I'm so glad you asked! Giving my heart to Jesus was the first of many steps in becoming more like Him. As time passed and I became more mature in my Christian walk, I started outgrowing certain things that were natural to me--things that, before, I didn't think twice about: kinda like the skin [flesh] on my body. It takes a while for the changes on the inside to manifest themselves externally, but slowly, yet surely, a transformation takes place.

In the animal world, the entire outer flesh must be discarded to facilitate growth, and ultimately, life. Molting doesn't happen all at once, though. One must wriggle and writhe out of what is now a snare; the old doesn't want to let go but the newness underneath will be stifled unless the two part ways. At some point, it's very possible to get caught halfway between the two--knowing the potential that's waiting to be revealed but not wanting to let go of the comfort of the good ol' flesh. (You know, like that comfy, torn, stained and faded t-shirt that you never wanna get rid of!) Well, I definitely got stuck in the process and it was a scary place to be!

photo credit: "HammerFallsAoM" on PhotoBucket.com

 

Then, this morning in my time with God, I was granted some spiritual insight regarding my situation: You need to drop this dead[ly] weight--step out of the flesh and into My Spirit. That just about ended my season of reveling in the lust of the flesh. The way to loose this dead flesh off of me is to immerse myself [literally, roll around] in the Spirit so that only the new, good, holiness of me remains.

Sure, it sounds simple enough, but when there's an old patch of dying flesh that's holding on for dear life, it will make its presence known! So when, not if, the next 'flare-up' happens, this is what Romans 8:12-14 [NIV] suggests:

...we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.

 

be blessed (while molting),

pVI