dumbfounded

That's the first word that comes to mind when, as an outsider looking in, I witness the kind of women around me who are already married. I'll be the first to admit that the saying is true: Comparison is the thief of joy.  But at the same time, I ask myself "Is that how I have to be to get a ring??"  I mean, women who can't/don't cook; women who are overbearing and bossy; women who are not even slightly... well, I'll leave that one alone since I'm being judgmental enough.

The nature of my comments betray the fact that I am ultimately judging myself.  By comparing the things that I can/will do in a marriage to the things that [some] married women can't/won't, I am saying simply this: Well, what's wrong with me??  

Don't get it twisted, though--I am well aware of the fact that people get married for all the wrong reasons. Simply walking down the aisle is the easiest part of what should be a life-long commitment to love and to cherish.  But all I'm saying is, this is something of a 'wake-up' call regarding my ideals vs. the realities of marriage.  I have absolutely NO right to say who deserves to be proposed to [even though I have definitely questioned why some women did #realtalk], but I now realize that things I thought were supposed to be requirements are not necessarily even priorities.  Makes me wonder what the odds are of getting hitched to a man who doesn't care how I look, or what I say, or if I can keep house.... cuz I know some sistas who definitely hit those jackpots! But I digress...

It's these kinds of superficial ramblings that fill my head; clearly not the kind of content I want to make a habit of posting. But I guess I'm sharing this because I view it as some sort of revelation.  I don't have to be the Proverbs 31 woman to get a husband!! But then that begs the question: What kind of man would I get?

strength = weakness

Being strong is a blessing and a curse. When you're like me--so used to being the support system for others, or nobody ever sees you sweat under pressure--people think of you as invincible... when the complete opposite is the truth.

They figure, "She's tough, nothing gets under her skin!" When, in actuality, I made my own skin tough as leather to protect the tender heart underneath. Truth is, I find it therapeutic to help others through their issues because it helps me take my mind off of my own.  But what disturbs me is when I do reach out for help--as rare as that may be--somehow I expect my peeps to show that they care just a little bit more... but I'm almost always left wanting in that regard.  I've expressed my distress, so should I really have to ask you to give just a little more of a damn?? And this is supposed to be my 'inner circle'... SMH

Sounds like I've just got some sucky friends... or is this just par for the course when you've been blessed(?!) to help bear the burdens of others? I dunno, but I feel like this outer layer of toughness needs to be peeled off one way or another. I just gotta figure out who I can let close to me if I'm gonna leave myself so open......

to be continued?

the war within

How does one reconcile between equal yet opposing forces/ideas/emotions?  The struggle is real, ladies and gentlemen, and I need to vent about mine.

About my ex-boyfriend...

1. I hate that I even still have feelings for him. Like, especially after the way he treated me most recently... I must be a glutton for punishment.  He obviously doesn't want me. He's not even about that saved live. Why am I not over him already?? Why do memories and fantasies of him haunt the inner recesses of my mind?
2. In a twisted way, I wonder if my feelings for him are a sneak preview what unconditional love is.  I won't deny that selfish motives were involved on my part, but there is a deeper symbolism. [the desire] To love someone who pushes you away is exemplified by God all the time. They hurt you but you still want the best for them.  They ignore you but anytime they might need you, you'll be there.  This experience makes me more sympathetic towards the way we treat God and I appreciate His love all the more.

Every time I find out that someone else I know got engaged/married...

1. I'm happy that another couple is committed to each other in life and love, and I pray the best for their relationship.
2. A little piece of me dies inside because I yearn to have the same for myself, yet there are no prospects on the horizon.

When I think about the current status of my life...

1. It saddens me that I haven't accomplished so many things that I set out to do when I was much younger.  I want to do more, be more, LIVE more!
2. Yet, I feel like an ungrateful wretch to have what I do and long for more when so many others in the world are suffering. Their lives are the sum total of REAL suffering; and here I am whining about my 1st-world problems. Ugh!

Concerning my relationship with Jesus...

1. I know He is real because of amazing things He's already done in my life. I chose Him because He chose me... loved me... died for me. I feel honored to know that He used Himself as collateral for my sinful debts. I believe that whatever He does is in my best interest, even though I don't always understand.
2. I hate that I don't understand what God is doing in my life and it frustrates the crap outta me! I know He hears my prayers and is working behind the scenes but so much seems SO unfair. I'm tired of not getting any answers (or not the answers that I want). My faith feels worn out!

I'm well aware of the eternal battle between flesh and spirit but that doesn't bring me any comfort in dealing with these inner conflicts. Welp, just wanted to get this off my chest. As you were.

be blessed,
pVI

#feelinginadequate < #Godsgrace

I didn't want this to be a "woe is me" post, rather an explanation of why I haven't been posting regularly for the last few months.  Earlier, I mentioned taking some time off for personal development--and that's what I did (but not really).  I also shared about the downward slope I was sliding on and the fact that I was [not proud about being] just all up in my flesh.  I've been getting my mail in an emotional, spiritual and mental abyss for a minute; it's been ugly.  And that's the reason why I've been so quiet here... I haven't felt worthy of writing here.

Yeah, it's my blog and I don't owe anyone anything here, but my intention has always been to remain true to God and myself, and in so doing, to my readers.  Welp, I've been truly a mess and nobody likes to put their dirty laundry on blast.  But what I'm learning through all this is the significance of God's grace.  All while I was scheming and plotting my way into some epic mischief, He never left me to be undone my own devices.  Believe me when I say I was actively trying to have my "good Christian woman" card revoked, but as the song goes, God blocked it.  Yes, people--God is the ultimate blocker. After my failed attempts, I was finally able to pick my common sense up off the floor and dust it off to realize that He was working behind the scenes to save my [spiritual] behind at the expense of my flesh.  It hurt like hell to not get what I wanted, but what softened the blow was knowing that I was rescued from a LOT more pain down the road if I had succeeded in my schemes.

Soooo, what now?  Since I learned my lesson [hopefully], I'll be working on strengthening my relationship with Him.  After all, any relationship can only be successful if both parties are putting in work.  I was slacking up big time, but God pulled my weight and His.  I'm gonna work on returning the favor.  I know that I'll have my moments and slip up every now and then, but the difference is that I'm in a better head space.  

Thanks for hanging in there with me and for keeping me lifted up during this difficult time.  I've learned a lot about myself and my God, so the struggle was worth it.  It's not over but I'm headed back in the right direction... I hope you'll stick around for the ride.

covered by His grace,

pVI

turning a page...

It has been a while, wow... I've missed you. :-)  I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks for several reasons.  I started off on a path to self-development and spiritual renewal which was going well... and then things started taking some interesting turns--not all for the best, I'm afraid.  

I've been battling with how to handle some major 'possibilities' that have surfaced recently--two things, in particular, that I've spent years in waiting for.  Both are of life-altering magnitude and I am just beside myself in trying to discern God's direction.  

There's a level of selfishness that I've noticed in myself, though, and acting on it can completely derail everything God has done in my life up to this point.  It scares me... that I have even considered taking this situation into my own hands, effectively flying in God's face--and then planning to beg for His mercy afterwards.  Yes ladies and gentlemen: that is how you [plan to] abuse the grace of God.  For the record, I neither recommend nor endorse my own [planned] behavior but I am just being open transparent with you.

It truly is disconcerting: contemplating things that I considered absolutely unthinkable before.  The battle with our flesh (i.e. natural inclination towards sin) is legit, and I'm feeling understanding that now more than ever.  The good thing is that I'm not alone in this. Others have gone through it, are going through it now and will go through it in the future.  I love the way Paul consoles and enlightens us about this struggle in Romans 8:

⁵ Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. ⁶ So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. ⁷ For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. ⁸ That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.
⁹ But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. ¹² Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,^[e] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. ¹³ For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,^[f] you will live. ¹⁴ For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children^[g] of God.

I hope to be driven by God's voice and filled with His spirit in all that I do, but I can't do it alone.  So I'm asking for your prayers as I close out 2012, and seek to open a new chapter of my life in 2013.  Thanks in advance, and stay tuned!

be blessed,
pVI

something is wrong [confessional]

In the last few weeks, I've noticed a spike in certain behaviors that I know have some issues behind them: online shopping and [emotional] eating.  (I would've included lustful thoughts in the mix, but those seem to never completely go away. #FAIL) It's no secret that these kinds of things are used to mask some underlying problem; I just don't know what that problem is.  Or maybe I do know what it is but I just don't want to admit it.  Because if I do that, then I'll have to give it to God... and leave it there... leave myself exposed... exposed to exchanging my 'security blankets' for God's love and having to trust that it's [more than] enough to meet my needs.

That's scary... even for someone who has been 'saved' as long as I have. How pitiful is that? *sigh*  I'm gonna fast tomorrow--no solid food until the sun goes down.  And by that time, I hope I would have put to rest whatever's eating at my soul.  Recently, I got a hint that God has a major breakthrough coming my way, so it shouldn't be surprising that I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden.  The night is always darkest before the dawn... Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning... 

By dawn on Monday morning, I pray that my fast would have brought me God's peace about what happened, is happening, and will happen in my life. Your prayers in agreement are also appreciated. Amen.