something is wrong [confessional]

In the last few weeks, I've noticed a spike in certain behaviors that I know have some issues behind them: online shopping and [emotional] eating.  (I would've included lustful thoughts in the mix, but those seem to never completely go away. #FAIL) It's no secret that these kinds of things are used to mask some underlying problem; I just don't know what that problem is.  Or maybe I do know what it is but I just don't want to admit it.  Because if I do that, then I'll have to give it to God... and leave it there... leave myself exposed... exposed to exchanging my 'security blankets' for God's love and having to trust that it's [more than] enough to meet my needs.

That's scary... even for someone who has been 'saved' as long as I have. How pitiful is that? *sigh*  I'm gonna fast tomorrow--no solid food until the sun goes down.  And by that time, I hope I would have put to rest whatever's eating at my soul.  Recently, I got a hint that God has a major breakthrough coming my way, so it shouldn't be surprising that I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden.  The night is always darkest before the dawn... Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning... 

By dawn on Monday morning, I pray that my fast would have brought me God's peace about what happened, is happening, and will happen in my life. Your prayers in agreement are also appreciated. Amen.

Pray Together

I claim no rights to this image... except the right to dream; to pray; to declare with authority that this masterpiece by Kevin "WAK" Williams completely encapsulates my vision of love and marriage.  It is 'the prototype', as far as I'm concerned.

Around my 3rd year of college, I discovered Pray Together, Stay Together and it left me absolutely breathless.  I had not too long before broken up with the love of my life for one reason: spiritual incompatibility (and the cruel irony is that he and I visually resemble this couple).  [Re-]dedicating my life to Christ during a long-distance phase in our relationship made me realize that my boyfriend wasn't about to ride on that journey with me.  It was heart-breaking to end what felt like the best thing to ever happen to me, but I had to prove to God that HE was more important to me than him.  I Kissed Dating Goodbye helped my emotional transition, leading to the next promise I made to God about relationships [the previous one being that I wouldn't have sex until marriage].  I said "God, I trust that You know and want what's best for me. So I want You to choose my next relationship--the one that will be equally [spiritually] yoked and culminate in marriage, until it is broken by death."

So that was *ahem* a long, LONG time ago... #becarefulwhatyouprayfor!  And in recent times, I've become overwhelmed by longing for this person to whom I will become friend/wife/lover/helpmeet, to the point that I've been contemplating getting back with [wait for it...] that same old boyfriend.  Makes perfect sense, right?!  I hold out for years with great expectations of God's best, only to figuratively return to my vomit...  And then I would proceed to entertain that flesh with fantastic scenarios in my mind delicious enough to make my body temperature rise. *slams on spiritual brakes*

OK God, You ain't sayin' nuthin' and I am SO over this waiting business! So, you better give me a man, or a hint--or sumthin' like, yesterday--or else I'm gonna... I'm gonna... do something stupid that You'll I'll regret!!! And then I'll just ask beg and plead for forgiveness like nothing happened.  That is what You do, right?? [Just in case you missed it, that was me threatening God with an ultimatum. Right.]

And what happens next? Just like magic God in all His awesomeness, the following messages supernaturally make their way to me:

Hint #1 - Affirmative prayer via e-mail from my (single) friend and leader of a women's prayer circle containing the following excerpt:

Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me....Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me.

Hint #2 - Sermon audio clip shared by another (single) friend: The Making of a Woman by Pastor Jeffrey Johnson

Hint #3 - Q/A Tumblr post by Jed Brewer: Why is Sex Before Marriage Wrong?

So I've 'heard' from God... What happens now?  I wait some more.  I trust even more.  I pray--a whole lot more!  Because the image above is emblazoned across my consciousness, I won't can't accept anything less, no matter how baaaadly I want to.  God knows that in my heart, I want to adhere to His design for marriage and His perfect will for my life, so I believe that He will honor this in spectacular fashion!  He will orchestrate my discovery as the missing rib to the man who has prayed and fasted for me.  He will guide us together in a moment where our spirits will embrace each other before our bodies have even touched.  And once our bodies do touch for the first time on our wedding night... *mmh* we will be asking begging Him for mercy as our bond of emotional intimacy is sealed in ways we didn't know were humanly possible!  

But once the honeymoon subsides and real life sets in, our spirits will continue to commune with each other in the presence of almighty God.  We will storm the gates of hell in prayer and fasting because this man understands and walks in authority as the high priest of his home!  We will plead the blood of Jesus over our children, families and friends.  We will serve faithfully in our church and community, sowing into the lives of others.  We will be an exponentially greater threat to satan together than we ever could have been individually.  Shoo, we will even pray for God to keep us from killing each other on those 'off' days when he's not feeling me and when he's getting on my last nerve.

But until all of this comes to pass, I will continue to pray.  Then, he and I will pray--together... and stay together.  In Jesus' name, AMEN.

in prayer for him,

pVI

taking health for granted

In the last 2 weeks, I've become very aware of my body.  The funny thing is how I almost never take the time to think about what makes it work; I just enjoy--and appreciate--the fact that it does.  Don't get me wrong, I thank God for life, health and strength every day, but more out of habit than out of conscious awareness. That changed recently when my body started to get my attention by using pain as a language. 

I had 2 specific bouts of mind-numbing, physical pain recently... the kind that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.  Never experienced muscle spasms before in my life but lemme tell yuh, the ones that ran through my back and side had me on my knees--in submission and in prayer!  They came in unrelenting waves and with such intensity that I couldn't even breathe right.  Inhaling was always trumped by the spasm; I learned to breathe around them or suffer with a bolt of pain.  And for whatever reason, these episodes occurred late at night so, for me, sleep was just a dream while my reality consisted of torment.

When I finally went to the doctor, I was told that I had some sort of bacterial infection. HUH?! After taking the prescribed meds that apparently didn't work, I'm now at the point where I've been referred for diagnostic imaging [to see what's going on inside].

Scary. There's no other way to describe how it feels when your health is threatened by something yet unknown.  I've prayed for healing--and I still am--but to be at the mercy of 'diagnosis X' is nothing short of unnerving.  And this is completely ironic for me since I'm trying to make a living out of navigating medical/health information.  I love watching Grey's Anatomy because I'm not the one laid up in the hospital... but the truth is that I've never even stayed overnight in one (as a patient).  And my 'plan' was to not have that happen until I give birth to my child(ren).  I pray to God that I can stick to my plan.

And speaking of prayers, I'm asking everyone who reads this to please send some up for me.  Conventional medicine is all good but there's nothing quite like the healing power of prayer.  Thanks in advance! :o)

bless,

pVI

Be careful what you pray for... seriously!

Earlier this week, I sat down to eat my lunch and I blessed my food before eating, as I normally do.  I normally say something simple, like "Thank you Lord for this food. Bless it, purify it, and let it be nourishing to my body. In Jesus' name, AMEN". Well this particular time, I got as far as thanking God when the thought hit me: there are millions of people who literally have nothing to eat, and possibly haven't eaten for days. So I made it my business to add "Lord, please bless those who are starving and provide for their needs somehow."

That very afternoon, I drove through a fast-food joint to get something to eat before going to a meeting.  There are a couple of vagrants who frequent that spot but one in particular seems to have it as his personal turf.  So I placed my order and while I'm at the payment window, he appears outta no where and rolls up on me to beg for money.  I never give out money but I always offer to buy food for those who are less fortunate so they can at least have something to eat. So I tell the lady at the payment window to add nuggets and fries to my bill because I figure I can squeeze that outta the change I was gonna get back. All of a sudden, the man tells me "I don't eat nuggets, just burgers and chicken". So I had an instant O_o moment, and told him "Yeah, umm, nuggets are make from chicken". Then he has the nerve to retort "But I don't eat nuggets... I eat chicken sandwich."

EXCUSE YOU?! Let me tell y'all, that I could NOT believe I was having that conversation! Clearly, he didn't get the memo: beggars can't be choosers!! Isn't that in the Bible somewhere in red??  OK maybe not, but still, I couldn't get over the audacity of this man who is dictating what I should buy for him out of my hard-earned money! I mean, if he [lied and] told me he was allergic to chicken or was a vegetarian, I woulda been willing to work with him... So the end result was that I just ordered the fries alone cuz I wasn't about to argue with him.

Later that night I was talking to my mom about it and I couldn't help but laugh at how the day unfolded.  I started out praying for those who have no food and God saw to it that I had the perfect opportunity to help someone who needed food. Imagine that... the Lord used me to answer my own prayer. Not sure if I actually did, though. I mean, Jesus told us (in Matthew 25):

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, ....’

   ³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?...
   ⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.

This man, a vagrant as I referred to him, would be considered one of the least in our society but Jesus begged to differ.  Now, reflecting on the conversation I had with him--and I still maintain that he shoulda been more humble about his 'request'--it makes me wonder if I would have acted the same way if Jesus was standing there.  Would my treatment of this man have earned me "the kingdom prepared for [me] since the creation of the world"? Or would Jesus have said " ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels"?

Things that make you go "hmmmm..."

be blessed,

pVI

Fling Chune FRIDAY: Pray for Me

Happy Friiiidaaaay! Lawd, it's been a ride! I hope all of you had a great past week. :o)

This chune expresses how I've been feeling for a while now--in the need of prayer. Yes, I know I have fam and friends praying for me even when we're not in communication but I feel so distant from them. In fact, I'm working on not feeling so distant from God so it's probably just me. *sigh*

But what's bangin' is that God heard my prayers and this is what He did: earlier this week, my girl called me up and told me that she saw me in a dream and wanted to check in on me. It was during the same time I was having a severe mood swing (don't know if it's possible to have a single attack of depression but that's what it felt like), so I know it was the Holy Spirit that put me on her mind. When I told her what I was going through, she immediately prayed for me and by the time the phone call was over, I felt like a cloud was lifted from over my head! People, don't sleep on the power of prayer!!

So this chune is dedicated to my friend and all those who are keeping their loved ones lifted up in prayer. Please, don't ever let up--it does more than you know!

be blessed!
pVI

*for some reason, YouTube won't let me embed the video so here's the link to Pray for Me by Carmen Michelle*

It's the little things...

I was early for my Zumba class so I decided to sit in my car for a while and listen to the radio. As happens more often than I care to admit, my mind eventually started to wander. It decided to settle on a long-time gripe I have going on with God: my cruel and unusual, seemingly perpetual state of singleness. I won't make you suffer through my barrage of thoughts and words to God but the crux of it today was that I felt invisible to the opposite sex. Emotionally, my existence amounts to the process of petrification... no, seriously--I feel cold and hard, as if I am slowly turning to stone.

So I was pleading with talking to God about this--of course, anyone looking into my car would swear that I was having a bonafide conversation with the voices in my head--when I told Him something to the effect of "God, throw me a bone, here! If my soulmate isn't ready to appear right now, at least some positive [as in non-relationship] testosterone in my life would be greatly appreciated!" 

I'm sure I had a lot more to ask and to say, but I decided to just give it up and head inside the gym. I still had plenty of time before class so I was walking deliberately slowly up the stairs and towards the front door. Approaching the entrance from the opposite direction was a uniformed National Guardsman, and I couldn't help but notice that he was tall, attractive and had a nice physique. *eye candy proximity alert* If I was walking at a normal pace, we would have hit the door at the same time, and I didn't feel like finding out which one of us was supposed to walk through the door first. Nowadays, if guys are in a good mood they might kick the door back open after they pass through. Whatever... But Mister Military Man decided to defend my honor [sorry for the cheesy reference; couldn't help it] by opening the door and holding it open until I made my way through it!  It took me a couple of seconds to process his gesture (since it hadn't happened in a while) before I smiled and thanked him.

WHAT just happened here?!? I'll tell you what happened. As trivial as that moment in time may seem now, I thanked God as I walked to the locker room--for hearing and answering my rant in the car prayer. To be treated like a lady by a gentleman is something that I revel in, but it shouldn't catch me--or any other female--off guard. Not having any meaningful interaction with guys in such a long time just added to my appreciation of that single instant... God knew that I needed that boost SO badly just then and He made it happen just for me.

Thank you Lord, for reminding me that you still care.

Sincerely,
pVI

Reaching Out

Evangelism isn't my thing. Never was... being that I'm an introvert, I don't normally reach out to people (even in the name of Jesus). It's bad for a Christian to say this and I'm not necessarily proud of my "un-burden" for souls, but I can honestly say that I do not feel called to this area of ministry.

That having been said, I still have to check myself on the basis of the great commission: go tell everybody (and dey cuzzin) about Jesus. I have not been making an effort to do that because, somehow in my mind, it became enough for me to plaster my Facebook wall with Christian content. Yeah, I know... (#FAIL)  But, that has slowly been changing in the last few weeks, and I sincerely thank God that I'm being obedient to His directions.

Recently, an acquaintance told me that he and his wife were headed towards divorce. I was shocked and sad about it because even though he and I aren't 'friends', I immediately sympathize with anyone who deals with that ugly process that I endured via my parents when I was a small child. So I listened to his side of the story and let him know that I would keep his situation in prayer. Had I listened to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit while I was talking to the guy, I would have offered to pray with him, instead. *sigh*

That happened a few weeks ago and I did follow through with keeping him lifted up in prayer. But earlier this week, I inquired about his fam and he told me that his wife served him with the divorce papers. He vented about the whole ordeal and I felt helpless to relieve his frustration. But this time around, I decided to "woman up" and invite him to church. His response was polite but one of non-interest (which I expected), but I was glad that I followed through with it--kind of a big deal for me since I don't normally reach out to those to whom I'm not already close. Later that evening, though, the Holy Spirit spoke to me about him, again, during my devotional time. He said, "You should let him see Fireproof." And I thought "AWESOME!! That's something that he might relate to much better than a cold-turkey invitation to church!"

I gave him the DVD today but my Mom and I--I asked her to help me pray for him--prayed for a positive response last night. Hopefully, the Lord will use the movie to speak to him about more than just his marriage. I'm glad that I was used in this way to evangelize reach out to someone who is obviously hurting, even though it was as simple as listening to his profanity-laced tirade and letting him know that I cared... better yet, that Jesus cares! This may just be the start of a new part of my walk with Christ (and hopefully, the start of someone else's brand new walk with Him). :o)

Blessings,
pVI

"prayer" IS the prayer of my heart

Lately, my prayer life has been, how should I put it? Ummm... a mess.  To be honest with myself, and you, AND God, I would have to say that my conscious desire to pray was gone. Yes, I can hear you gasping but the fact of the matter is that I've been going through a "valley" experience--known to most as "the Process" (more to come on that soon)--for a while now, and this realization basically took me to the lowest point of it. The scary part is that I was more bothered by the fact that I was supposed to miss talking to God than actually missing it. Basically, my mind was saying "Girl, aren't you a child of God? Isn't Jesus your Savior, anymore? Well, why aren't you acting like it?! You KNOW you're supposed to pray without ceasing!" [1 Thes. 5:17]; but my flesh was saying "Why bother? You're not hearing from God, anyway... Just 'go through the motions' but don't expect any miracles."

My friends, THAT is a scary place to be--mentally AND spiritually--especially for one who professes faith in Christ. I was feeling the general descent impacting other areas of my life over several months, but having that internal conversation really shook me up. Over this period of time, I did ask God to give me [back] the desire to pray but the gravity of the situation didn't take effect until the beginning of this week.  I stayed home from church with the intention of spending time alone with God because there are some times when I just can't be around people. I didn't want any noise or distractions--just me and my Creator.

That's when my eyes landed on a book that sat dusty and unused among all the others: Understanding the Purpose and Power of Prayer by Dr. Myles Munroe.  When I cracked the cover, I saw my mom's handwriting showing the year 2004--that's when we were supposed to go through it together but I never finished. But I started it again that Sunday morning with renewed fervor.  I am now on a "suicide mission" to reach my God-given prayer potential--I'm gonna get it this time around, even if it kills me [figuratively speaking, of course... too much prayer ain't neva killed nobody!]

Photo credit to http://www.blackchristianbookcompany.com

I'm still on chapter 1 but I'm progressing slowly, yet surely. It's a great feeling to be back on track towards that intimate communion we have been offered by God, Himself! I'm asking for your prayers as I continue on this journey towards salvation--and take you along for the ride through this blog! 

In the meantime, I stumbled on a song in Pandora that captured me the first time I heard it--More Than Anything by Joann Rosario Condrey. What enticed me first was the music, then Joann's vocal flow on top of it. But it wasn't until today when I had it on steady repeat for about 30 minutes, that I realized this was actually a psalm; by MY definition - a prayer set to music. And this morning, I made this psalm my heart's prayer as I resolve to rebuild intimacy with Jesus.  

Selah.
pVI