the war within

How does one reconcile between equal yet opposing forces/ideas/emotions?  The struggle is real, ladies and gentlemen, and I need to vent about mine.

About my ex-boyfriend...

1. I hate that I even still have feelings for him. Like, especially after the way he treated me most recently... I must be a glutton for punishment.  He obviously doesn't want me. He's not even about that saved live. Why am I not over him already?? Why do memories and fantasies of him haunt the inner recesses of my mind?
2. In a twisted way, I wonder if my feelings for him are a sneak preview what unconditional love is.  I won't deny that selfish motives were involved on my part, but there is a deeper symbolism. [the desire] To love someone who pushes you away is exemplified by God all the time. They hurt you but you still want the best for them.  They ignore you but anytime they might need you, you'll be there.  This experience makes me more sympathetic towards the way we treat God and I appreciate His love all the more.

Every time I find out that someone else I know got engaged/married...

1. I'm happy that another couple is committed to each other in life and love, and I pray the best for their relationship.
2. A little piece of me dies inside because I yearn to have the same for myself, yet there are no prospects on the horizon.

When I think about the current status of my life...

1. It saddens me that I haven't accomplished so many things that I set out to do when I was much younger.  I want to do more, be more, LIVE more!
2. Yet, I feel like an ungrateful wretch to have what I do and long for more when so many others in the world are suffering. Their lives are the sum total of REAL suffering; and here I am whining about my 1st-world problems. Ugh!

Concerning my relationship with Jesus...

1. I know He is real because of amazing things He's already done in my life. I chose Him because He chose me... loved me... died for me. I feel honored to know that He used Himself as collateral for my sinful debts. I believe that whatever He does is in my best interest, even though I don't always understand.
2. I hate that I don't understand what God is doing in my life and it frustrates the crap outta me! I know He hears my prayers and is working behind the scenes but so much seems SO unfair. I'm tired of not getting any answers (or not the answers that I want). My faith feels worn out!

I'm well aware of the eternal battle between flesh and spirit but that doesn't bring me any comfort in dealing with these inner conflicts. Welp, just wanted to get this off my chest. As you were.

be blessed,
pVI

The "heart" truth?*

*Disclaimer: "The heart truth" is a registered trademark for a program of the National Institutes of Health.  Full attribution has been given via the official website here [http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/educational/hearttruth/] and no commercial gain is resulting from the use of the slogan as the title of this blog post.*

Yes, the word "heart" is in the title, but I can assure you that this isn't post-Valentine's day fluff and sweetness.  I've been mulling over this topic for a minute and I just hope it can bless somebody because it's coming from raw feels deep down inside. 

The world says: The heart wants what [who] the heart wants. The word says:  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it? I can say from personal experience that both are unmistakeably true.  Over the last several months, I've been on a journey that took me to the outskirts of emotional purgatory, courtesy of my "heart".  At 30 years old, I learned things about myself that genuinely scared the mess outta me primarily because I was willing to let my feels overrule my thoughts.  That never happens to me... but it did.

At some point, I made the decision to get something I had gone without for longer than I was willing to tolerate: sex/[a sorry substitute for] love/emotional affirmation from a man.... one that I knew and trusted.... one that I was in love with once upon a time.  Without any other romantic interests looking in my direction, he seemed like the 'logical' choice.  Plus, I was picking up some vibes from him that he was feeling me too, so... all systems GO! for "Operation: Get Some", right?!!  Sure!  Except for a minor detail called sin; aka disobeying God; bka following my heart.

My 'heart' was leading me straight to hell, and I was doing the REAL Harlem shake [holla to Puff Daddy!] all the way there.  I was under no misconceptions about my intentions and the actions they were leading to.  In fact, I had made up my mind that I was gonna ride my carnal inclinations for all they were worth [you know that pun was intended!], brace myself for the firestorm of consequences and repercussions, then grovel for forgiveness at the feet of all-merciful God.  After all, He has pardoned others of much 'worse' than what I had in mind so how bad could it be? Welp, let's see: unplanned pregnancy, STDs/HIV, sexual assault, unauthorized sex tapes, rejection, emotional abuse, and untimely death (just because *shrug*).... and I just came up with those off the top of my head.

And--would ya believe it?--my 'heart' still wanted to go through with this twisted affair!  So when the Bible tells you straight up that the heart is "deceitful above all things": if ya don't know, now ya know!  The funny thing is that my brain computed all of these risks, yet my heart flesh was able to cancel them out.  For the sake of a man that I used to be truly in love with YEARS ago but who 'kinda sorta liked me' now, but did nothing to actually show it. My brain told me that I was setting myself up for massive disappointment and that this situation was wrong on every level, but I convinced myself that I was being "true to my feelings". 

To make a long, sordid story short, he and I never hooked up.  In fact, he pretty much dismissed me after I confessed my true feelings for him.  Yeah... didn't see that coming.  It was the worst AND best thing that could have happened to me.  I'm convinced that God blocked it as a way to rescue my pitiful self from an epic fail (and I'll have more thoughts to share on that later).  But even now, I can't figure out why my heart wanted this man so desperately!  Growing up, I observed women act the damn fool over men who weren't worth the time of day, and I thought to myself "She is SO sad. Desperation ain't a good look, girl--leave him yesterday, already!"  But I never thought I'd be that girl, better yet, completely embrace what it felt like to be that girl. Y'all, I was so twisted that I found myself sympathizing with Olivia Pope's adulterous escapades! (For those of you who aren't "gladiators in suits", I'm talking about the main character of the TV show Scandal.) Being ruled by your heart/flesh takes you to a dark place and I think I just scratched the surface of the damage that can result. I can never again judge a woman who says "I don't know why I love him--I just do."  But what I can do is pray that, like me, God gives her the intervention she doesn't want but badly needs needs to rip her from her own heart's grimy claws.

So, what now?  Truth is, I'm still traumatized by the whole mess that is the current state of my spiritual/emotional life, but dude is slowly being deleted from my system.  Allowing Jesus back to His rightful place in my heart is tough but at least I'm back on the right track.  It's no easy task to exchange current desires for future blessings, and I struggle with that every single day.  But if I'm gonna be the Christian that I claim to be, this just comes with the territory. [sigh]  

Create in me a [clean] pure heart, O God, and renew a [right] steadfast spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

be blessed,

pVI 

Fling Chune FRIDAY: Hey Now

Thank the Lord for yet another Friday!  How y'all doin'?  Me?  I'm good.  I had an interesting week, and it's not over yet; but two things really stood out.  First, I got to see my old flame after a couple of years... yep the same one.  He's still a great guy; we're still friends; there's still some 'tension' (at least on my part); I was reminded of both why I love[d] him and why we couldn't stay together.  That's about it in a nutshell.  I could say more--and I wish I did when I saw him--but it is what it is.

Shortly thereafter, with a mixed sense of conflict and closure, I took the giant step of embracing my impending 30-ness (yeah, I really did just make that up).  Reading and talking to friends who've crossed that threshold have reassured me that it's not the end of the world; just the end of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one.  And to commemorate that epiphany, I pulled it together and decided to make a trip to visit some of my girls and have a celebration fit for the new woman I'm about to become.

This week's chune is something of a celebratory anthem for what I got through with 'him', and what I hope to take on with my upcoming birthday.  I wanted something funky, grown, and with some 'oomph' to it, but still reflected my faith--enter Lisa McClendon, yet again. Hey Now is a feel-good jam that isn't too deep and gives you something catchy to nod ya head to.  So nod on, y'all!

Stay blessed,

pVI

Pray Together

I claim no rights to this image... except the right to dream; to pray; to declare with authority that this masterpiece by Kevin "WAK" Williams completely encapsulates my vision of love and marriage.  It is 'the prototype', as far as I'm concerned.

Around my 3rd year of college, I discovered Pray Together, Stay Together and it left me absolutely breathless.  I had not too long before broken up with the love of my life for one reason: spiritual incompatibility (and the cruel irony is that he and I visually resemble this couple).  [Re-]dedicating my life to Christ during a long-distance phase in our relationship made me realize that my boyfriend wasn't about to ride on that journey with me.  It was heart-breaking to end what felt like the best thing to ever happen to me, but I had to prove to God that HE was more important to me than him.  I Kissed Dating Goodbye helped my emotional transition, leading to the next promise I made to God about relationships [the previous one being that I wouldn't have sex until marriage].  I said "God, I trust that You know and want what's best for me. So I want You to choose my next relationship--the one that will be equally [spiritually] yoked and culminate in marriage, until it is broken by death."

So that was *ahem* a long, LONG time ago... #becarefulwhatyouprayfor!  And in recent times, I've become overwhelmed by longing for this person to whom I will become friend/wife/lover/helpmeet, to the point that I've been contemplating getting back with [wait for it...] that same old boyfriend.  Makes perfect sense, right?!  I hold out for years with great expectations of God's best, only to figuratively return to my vomit...  And then I would proceed to entertain that flesh with fantastic scenarios in my mind delicious enough to make my body temperature rise. *slams on spiritual brakes*

OK God, You ain't sayin' nuthin' and I am SO over this waiting business! So, you better give me a man, or a hint--or sumthin' like, yesterday--or else I'm gonna... I'm gonna... do something stupid that You'll I'll regret!!! And then I'll just ask beg and plead for forgiveness like nothing happened.  That is what You do, right?? [Just in case you missed it, that was me threatening God with an ultimatum. Right.]

And what happens next? Just like magic God in all His awesomeness, the following messages supernaturally make their way to me:

Hint #1 - Affirmative prayer via e-mail from my (single) friend and leader of a women's prayer circle containing the following excerpt:

Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me....Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me.

Hint #2 - Sermon audio clip shared by another (single) friend: The Making of a Woman by Pastor Jeffrey Johnson

Hint #3 - Q/A Tumblr post by Jed Brewer: Why is Sex Before Marriage Wrong?

So I've 'heard' from God... What happens now?  I wait some more.  I trust even more.  I pray--a whole lot more!  Because the image above is emblazoned across my consciousness, I won't can't accept anything less, no matter how baaaadly I want to.  God knows that in my heart, I want to adhere to His design for marriage and His perfect will for my life, so I believe that He will honor this in spectacular fashion!  He will orchestrate my discovery as the missing rib to the man who has prayed and fasted for me.  He will guide us together in a moment where our spirits will embrace each other before our bodies have even touched.  And once our bodies do touch for the first time on our wedding night... *mmh* we will be asking begging Him for mercy as our bond of emotional intimacy is sealed in ways we didn't know were humanly possible!  

But once the honeymoon subsides and real life sets in, our spirits will continue to commune with each other in the presence of almighty God.  We will storm the gates of hell in prayer and fasting because this man understands and walks in authority as the high priest of his home!  We will plead the blood of Jesus over our children, families and friends.  We will serve faithfully in our church and community, sowing into the lives of others.  We will be an exponentially greater threat to satan together than we ever could have been individually.  Shoo, we will even pray for God to keep us from killing each other on those 'off' days when he's not feeling me and when he's getting on my last nerve.

But until all of this comes to pass, I will continue to pray.  Then, he and I will pray--together... and stay together.  In Jesus' name, AMEN.

in prayer for him,

pVI

Fling Chune Friday: Can You Reach My Friend?

Happy Friday! The week has been cool--ending kinda busy, plus I have to work this weekend (boo!) But God is still God in the midst of it all.

This week's chune is just TOO perfect for words, considering what's been going on with me as of late. Last week, I was struggling with lust and a few weeks before that, I had a serious "case of the ex"... Surprise, surprise--that's no coincidence! We're just friends, and none of our interactions have been inappropriate, but that old flame is still there. Why don't I just go cold turkey and cut things off? I know it's probably the safest course of action but aside from my own selfish reasons I sincerely would like to see him come to Christ. Since we broke up, I prayed that he would get saved--at first, in hopes that we could then get back together--but my spiritual maturity has brought me to the point where I just want his soul to benefit from the salvation of Jesus.

I resurrected this 90s-era ballad by Helen Baylor because she essentially sings the prayer of my heart concerning my ex-boyfriend. Even if I'm not the one to lead him to the Lord, I still want him to experience TRUE love the way only God can bring it.

Sooo, my 'ex' is now my 'friend' on Facebook O_o

*semi-rant*

How did this happen?! Oh yeah, a long time ago before he joined FB, invites were inadvertently sent out to all my email contacts. Apparently, he signed up today--I know, right? After all this time--and accepted my friend request. I'm still tryna figure out how to feel about that.

I swore up and down that he was 'the one'. I still remember the flutters in my stomach and the goofy smile on my face when I told him I love you for the first time; just like it was yesterday. Apparently, God knew better... He and I were out of touch for a few years and I actually liked it like that because it meant less opportunity for me to watch re-runs of our relationship with my mind's eye. Now, out of the blue *BAM* right in my face. I literally felt the air get sucked out of my lungs when I read the notification that he accepted my friend request.

*sigh* I give up, Lord--this is all just a bit much.