dumbfounded

That's the first word that comes to mind when, as an outsider looking in, I witness the kind of women around me who are already married. I'll be the first to admit that the saying is true: Comparison is the thief of joy.  But at the same time, I ask myself "Is that how I have to be to get a ring??"  I mean, women who can't/don't cook; women who are overbearing and bossy; women who are not even slightly... well, I'll leave that one alone since I'm being judgmental enough.

The nature of my comments betray the fact that I am ultimately judging myself.  By comparing the things that I can/will do in a marriage to the things that [some] married women can't/won't, I am saying simply this: Well, what's wrong with me??  

Don't get it twisted, though--I am well aware of the fact that people get married for all the wrong reasons. Simply walking down the aisle is the easiest part of what should be a life-long commitment to love and to cherish.  But all I'm saying is, this is something of a 'wake-up' call regarding my ideals vs. the realities of marriage.  I have absolutely NO right to say who deserves to be proposed to [even though I have definitely questioned why some women did #realtalk], but I now realize that things I thought were supposed to be requirements are not necessarily even priorities.  Makes me wonder what the odds are of getting hitched to a man who doesn't care how I look, or what I say, or if I can keep house.... cuz I know some sistas who definitely hit those jackpots! But I digress...

It's these kinds of superficial ramblings that fill my head; clearly not the kind of content I want to make a habit of posting. But I guess I'm sharing this because I view it as some sort of revelation.  I don't have to be the Proverbs 31 woman to get a husband!! But then that begs the question: What kind of man would I get?

Ayy! You talkin' to me?

Umm, what is really going on here? Did my 'cyber milkshake' just get all the way turned up without my knowledge?!  I've been approached by 3 random guys on FB in less than a week.  I mean yeah, it's just FB, but still... Why don't guys come at me in REAL LIFE?!! :o/  The timing is kinda interesting, though, because while making my "30th Year Bucket List", one of my latest entries was to develop at least one good platonic friendship with a guy.  Just today, I watched a video claiming that it's dang near impossible, but I'm an idealist at heart (in a realistic kinda way). *shrug*

One that I met in a Christian group says he's saved, active in his church and re-committed to abstinence until marriage. He's apparently a couple inches shorter than I am but the convo has been great; and I'm getting the vibe that he kinda likes me. 

Another messaged me out of the clear blue, and says he's a business owner and former professional athlete. I didn't really tell him about myself after just one convo cuz I was too busy trying to get him to tell me why he decided to talk to me in the first place. I ended it in an 'open ended' fashion, so I'll see what happens if he decides to pick up where things left off.

The last one is connected to a Christian couple that I was in a small group with. But he just upped and sent me a friend request... Never seen him before in my life (or if I did, I just don't remember).

*sigh*  Welp, either way this should be interesting... And feel free to chime in.  I'd love to hear what you think.

stay blessed,

pVI

Pray Together

I claim no rights to this image... except the right to dream; to pray; to declare with authority that this masterpiece by Kevin "WAK" Williams completely encapsulates my vision of love and marriage.  It is 'the prototype', as far as I'm concerned.

Around my 3rd year of college, I discovered Pray Together, Stay Together and it left me absolutely breathless.  I had not too long before broken up with the love of my life for one reason: spiritual incompatibility (and the cruel irony is that he and I visually resemble this couple).  [Re-]dedicating my life to Christ during a long-distance phase in our relationship made me realize that my boyfriend wasn't about to ride on that journey with me.  It was heart-breaking to end what felt like the best thing to ever happen to me, but I had to prove to God that HE was more important to me than him.  I Kissed Dating Goodbye helped my emotional transition, leading to the next promise I made to God about relationships [the previous one being that I wouldn't have sex until marriage].  I said "God, I trust that You know and want what's best for me. So I want You to choose my next relationship--the one that will be equally [spiritually] yoked and culminate in marriage, until it is broken by death."

So that was *ahem* a long, LONG time ago... #becarefulwhatyouprayfor!  And in recent times, I've become overwhelmed by longing for this person to whom I will become friend/wife/lover/helpmeet, to the point that I've been contemplating getting back with [wait for it...] that same old boyfriend.  Makes perfect sense, right?!  I hold out for years with great expectations of God's best, only to figuratively return to my vomit...  And then I would proceed to entertain that flesh with fantastic scenarios in my mind delicious enough to make my body temperature rise. *slams on spiritual brakes*

OK God, You ain't sayin' nuthin' and I am SO over this waiting business! So, you better give me a man, or a hint--or sumthin' like, yesterday--or else I'm gonna... I'm gonna... do something stupid that You'll I'll regret!!! And then I'll just ask beg and plead for forgiveness like nothing happened.  That is what You do, right?? [Just in case you missed it, that was me threatening God with an ultimatum. Right.]

And what happens next? Just like magic God in all His awesomeness, the following messages supernaturally make their way to me:

Hint #1 - Affirmative prayer via e-mail from my (single) friend and leader of a women's prayer circle containing the following excerpt:

Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me....Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me.

Hint #2 - Sermon audio clip shared by another (single) friend: The Making of a Woman by Pastor Jeffrey Johnson

Hint #3 - Q/A Tumblr post by Jed Brewer: Why is Sex Before Marriage Wrong?

So I've 'heard' from God... What happens now?  I wait some more.  I trust even more.  I pray--a whole lot more!  Because the image above is emblazoned across my consciousness, I won't can't accept anything less, no matter how baaaadly I want to.  God knows that in my heart, I want to adhere to His design for marriage and His perfect will for my life, so I believe that He will honor this in spectacular fashion!  He will orchestrate my discovery as the missing rib to the man who has prayed and fasted for me.  He will guide us together in a moment where our spirits will embrace each other before our bodies have even touched.  And once our bodies do touch for the first time on our wedding night... *mmh* we will be asking begging Him for mercy as our bond of emotional intimacy is sealed in ways we didn't know were humanly possible!  

But once the honeymoon subsides and real life sets in, our spirits will continue to commune with each other in the presence of almighty God.  We will storm the gates of hell in prayer and fasting because this man understands and walks in authority as the high priest of his home!  We will plead the blood of Jesus over our children, families and friends.  We will serve faithfully in our church and community, sowing into the lives of others.  We will be an exponentially greater threat to satan together than we ever could have been individually.  Shoo, we will even pray for God to keep us from killing each other on those 'off' days when he's not feeling me and when he's getting on my last nerve.

But until all of this comes to pass, I will continue to pray.  Then, he and I will pray--together... and stay together.  In Jesus' name, AMEN.

in prayer for him,

pVI

the "Black girl curse"

Real talk or just hype? Strangely enough, I found myself either relating directly to each of the women in this video in some way, or knowing a personal friend who does. (Except the 30-year-old attorney/NFL Cheerleader driving the Benz... you GO girl! No, really!) Is it coincidence?  Y'all know how I feel about that... But to do the math amongst my friends and classmates in my age range, I would say that it's roughly 50:50 married-to-single, with 2 (one man, one woman) being in interracial marriages.

Plus, I'm still tryna figure out how Steve Harvey became a relationship guru... or is this really some sort of sick and extended stand-up act?  I haven't [and probably won't] read his book, but one thing he said really caught my attention.  Tune in at 6:08 and let me know if you think that's a genuine contributing factor to the dilemma at hand.

While I personally subscribe to the philosophy of lasting socio-cultural damage done to the black family during the trans-Atlantic slavery era, I harbor no ill will towards black women--or anyone else--who date/marry outside of their race.  We're all members of the human race and should have the right to love 'across colors'.  But when notions of promotion and encouragement for us to look elsewhere except to black men are suggested as the answer, that always triggers a snap reaction in me.  When I hear/read comments asking "Why are black women hell-bent on marrying black men?", I indignantly retort "Why the hell not??!"  I don't know of any other ethnic group being out-rightly advised to taste other flavors because their own is leaving a bad taste in their mouth.  Apparently, "research" shows that black women just leave a bad taste in everyone's mouths; but I facetiously digress.

This matter obviously hits home for me, and God knows I can chop this up from morning 'til night but I didn't intend for this to turn into an emotionally-charged tirade.  One thing I will do is continue to pray that God will guide couples together.  And, hopefully they, too, are seeking God about whom they should marry... regardless of skin color, occupation, social status, or otherwise.

be blessed,

pVI

"wifey material", eh?

Ask any guy what he looks for in a future wife and you'll get answers that are as unique as the guy. However, for Christians it's a bit 'easier' to get an idea of what your husband will want because we have a template to follow; a prototype, if you will. *enter superwoman Proverbs 31 woman*

Sooo, yeah... I'll be the first one to admit that reading this particular scripture doesn't exactly sound like my bio (notwithstanding the parts about husband and children). Even though my blog title and personal handle--peculiar VIrtue--both nod in that direction, I realize that I have a lot of work to do before elevating myself to P31 status.

I was talking to a friend over the weekend (who also happens to be a single, Christian woman in her late 20s) and she said, "I just want to be married." This was nothing surprising as I've thought the same thing countless times. In fact, she's the second friend of mine in about 10 days to use that phrase, verbatim. And while I would normally chime in "Me too!" or "I feel you, girl!", this time I took pause. My response this time was, "Yeah, but would I make a good wife?? I dunno..." In my unwillingly lengthy season of singleness, I've had lots of time to take notes and make observations on the wisdom shared by others--married and single. And one concept that has resonated with me comes in the answer to the following question:

Are you the [kind of] person that you would like to be married to?

#realitycheck   I think of who a Christian man would want to call his wife and immediately my mind races to Proverbs 31. I have made countless checklists and re-evaluated deal-breakers when considering who I want to marry but what about me? If I made a checklist out of this scripture, how would I fare? What about you? That's legit, though!

My friend was being supportive [I think...?] when she answered me by saying "I think you'd make a good wife. Then again, I've never tasted your cooking!" I wasn't even mad at that because, truth be told, I'm no Martha Stewart. I love to eat but I hate to cook--straight up! So when verse 15 says that she gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family, I know that I can't mark that off the list. Even my mom fusses with me about not liking to cook; last time she asked, "Are you and your husband gonna just have sex all the time and not have any food in the house to eat?!" I'm like, "Hey! That sounds like a plan!" *rawr* But for real, tho...

On the other hand, I know that I am wise, practical and responsible, so that makes a couple of verses fall in my favor. Some of the other things will reveal themselves once I'm married; such as displaying respect for my husband and caring for our children. But am I really ready to take on all that right now? Like, NOW now?? *sigh* If I'm any kinda honest, the truth is 'probably not'. The good part is that I can [continue to] work on character building. Taking short-term steps towards a long-term goal will help me prepare to earn P31 status.

So the next time a sex- and/or relationship-deprived state of mind drives me--or you--to utter those words, "I just wanna be married!", it may help to re-direct and say "I just wanna be a P31 woman!"

Be blessed,
p[soon-to-be 31]VI

It's the little things...

I was early for my Zumba class so I decided to sit in my car for a while and listen to the radio. As happens more often than I care to admit, my mind eventually started to wander. It decided to settle on a long-time gripe I have going on with God: my cruel and unusual, seemingly perpetual state of singleness. I won't make you suffer through my barrage of thoughts and words to God but the crux of it today was that I felt invisible to the opposite sex. Emotionally, my existence amounts to the process of petrification... no, seriously--I feel cold and hard, as if I am slowly turning to stone.

So I was pleading with talking to God about this--of course, anyone looking into my car would swear that I was having a bonafide conversation with the voices in my head--when I told Him something to the effect of "God, throw me a bone, here! If my soulmate isn't ready to appear right now, at least some positive [as in non-relationship] testosterone in my life would be greatly appreciated!" 

I'm sure I had a lot more to ask and to say, but I decided to just give it up and head inside the gym. I still had plenty of time before class so I was walking deliberately slowly up the stairs and towards the front door. Approaching the entrance from the opposite direction was a uniformed National Guardsman, and I couldn't help but notice that he was tall, attractive and had a nice physique. *eye candy proximity alert* If I was walking at a normal pace, we would have hit the door at the same time, and I didn't feel like finding out which one of us was supposed to walk through the door first. Nowadays, if guys are in a good mood they might kick the door back open after they pass through. Whatever... But Mister Military Man decided to defend my honor [sorry for the cheesy reference; couldn't help it] by opening the door and holding it open until I made my way through it!  It took me a couple of seconds to process his gesture (since it hadn't happened in a while) before I smiled and thanked him.

WHAT just happened here?!? I'll tell you what happened. As trivial as that moment in time may seem now, I thanked God as I walked to the locker room--for hearing and answering my rant in the car prayer. To be treated like a lady by a gentleman is something that I revel in, but it shouldn't catch me--or any other female--off guard. Not having any meaningful interaction with guys in such a long time just added to my appreciation of that single instant... God knew that I needed that boost SO badly just then and He made it happen just for me.

Thank you Lord, for reminding me that you still care.

Sincerely,
pVI

Lead me NOT into temptation... no, seriously!!

Lately, I've been in a situation where I'm staring temptation in the face. Literally.  See, I had been crushing on this guy for a while and it had gotten really intense at one point. I prayed about him--even dreamed about him [not that kinda dream, but I did have some 'impure' thoughts *sigh* forgive me again, Lord!]--then I finally got several opportunities to interact with him. On top of us being spiritually 'incompatible', it seems that he's not that into me... so yeah, there goes that. And while I'm not expecting anything meaningful to happen between us, I still respect him as a person and I think he's just a cool dude. The fact that I still consider him grade-A eye candy *rawr* is just a plus. LOL

So now that I've reached the point where I felt that I had let the desire for this guy completely go, I'm seeing him more than I ever did before--and in quite close proximity. I'm like, "Really, God? You show me that he's not for me and now he's all up in my face? WHY would you even do that? Dis a test Lawd, cuz ah gon fail bad!" Seriously, it's like taunting a a chocoholic diabetic with a slice of the Cheesecake Factory's Godiva special! ARRRGH!!

In the midst of this whole hot mess of a situation in my mind, I stopped and asked myself why would God actually do something like this to me. As it turns out, there's a bit of a debate in the Word when it comes to temptation. First, you can't get any more basic than The Lord's Prayer, the template for Christian prayer, where verse 13 says lead us not into temptation. Actually, Jesus said it--that's why I put it in red--and since He has direct insight into God's will, we can be sure that He wouldn't say something misleading. So Jesus is essentially praying for God not to lead us into temptation, implying that He could and would, right? Not necessarily.

image credit: http://www.churchcentral.org.uk/blog

Some sources point to the term temptation as being one of several words that could have been translated from Greek to also mean testing, trial or experiment. Somehow, this seems more plausible because now it lines up with other Scriptures--specifically where it says "When tempted, no one should say, God is tempting me. For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone"; "when you are tempted, [H]e will also provide a way out so that you can endure it"; and "Consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". It's relieving to know that God won't be tempting us....BUT don't get it twisted--the fine print lets us know that we will be tested, it's just a matter of when and how we respond to it.

Even Christ was tempted/tested so we can expect nothing less, but let's look at how we can learn from His experience. The first thing to understand is that the devil is the tempter--plain and simple:

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” [Matthew 4:1-3]

The devil was gunning for Jesus' biggest weakness at that point in time--extreme hunger while fasting. Looking back at my situation, singleness is and has been a major struggle for me so it would make perfect sense for satan to use my 'crush' to tempt me. But I love the way Jesus snapped back at Him [and in my vivid imagination, He said it all stank too]: “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God". Two more times the devil tried to get Him to crack under the pressure but each time, Jesus countered with the Word. He didn't fantasize and play "What if...?" like I did #fail, but he immediately told satan where to go [Scripturally speaking, of course]. He effectively resisted the devil and true to the Word, the tempter had to flee.

This is a lot to digest, I know, but there are some concepts that are SO worth the reinforcement. We, myself being at the top of the list, may often gloss over admonitions to spend time in the Word but apparently it's kinda crucial. David's prayer to keep the Word in his heart as a deterrent to sin is not figurative. Saturating our [un]consciousness with Scripture is the only way to ensure that if when we are tempted, we will pass these tests with flying colors. #preachintomyself


Resist the devil... and blessed,
pVI

"Do you know what today is?"

That's part of the hook from Tony Toni Tone's infamous couple's anthem Anniversary. [But those of you, like moi, who came of age during the 90s glory days of R&B probably already knew that.] I'm listening to the song--for the first time in years--as I type, out of cruel irony more than anything else. This song is more like my 'anti-soundtrack' because even though today actually is my anniversary, July 9th marks a dreaded milestone in my life: yet another year of singleness.

I don't have the intestinal fortitude to confess exactly how long it's been since my last relationship ended; since the last time I was kissed or even held. *long exhale* Just the thought of it is beyond [clinically] depressing. But this morning I told myself that I wasn't going to let the 'cloud of July 9th' overshadow my entire day, as has happened in the past. I opened my Bible to the book of Job because, in all honesty, I figured I could only make it through the day by reading about someone whose life sucked exponentially more than mine [yes, cruel and unusual--I know--but hey, it worked]. After meaningful meditation on real suffering in life, I skipped right over to Psalms since I was guaranteed to find something reassuring there. I did. By the time I closed my Bible, the joy of the Lord truly was my strength, and my mantra, at that moment in time.

Though my world tends to revolve around me and my issues, I have to remind myself that it truly is NOT about me. The story of Job reminded me, yet again, that it's not what we do--or don't do--that determines what happens to us. It was because Job was an upstanding man that Satan dared God to allow him to attack his faith in God and strength of character. I'm not trying to say that I'm on Job's level but we both question[ed] the fairness of God's actions while remaining true to our belief that He ultimately knows what is best. What if my suffering singleness is for a greater purpose than I can grasp right now? I mean, Job's life story is still inspiring me and countless others thousands of years after he ceased to exist. Suppose this tear-laced blog post can let just one other woman know that it is possible to be single/abstinent and keep your sanity--even if by just a thread... is it worth my anguish?

I want to believe that the answer is "yes". I also want to believe that, just like Job, I will be compensated for my pain many times over and testify to the world about where God brought me from.  The truth is that I'm also scared to death that I won't get to exhale after waiting for so long. But if I say that I trust Him, I'll have to do just that--TRUST HIM.