the war within

How does one reconcile between equal yet opposing forces/ideas/emotions?  The struggle is real, ladies and gentlemen, and I need to vent about mine.

About my ex-boyfriend...

1. I hate that I even still have feelings for him. Like, especially after the way he treated me most recently... I must be a glutton for punishment.  He obviously doesn't want me. He's not even about that saved live. Why am I not over him already?? Why do memories and fantasies of him haunt the inner recesses of my mind?
2. In a twisted way, I wonder if my feelings for him are a sneak preview what unconditional love is.  I won't deny that selfish motives were involved on my part, but there is a deeper symbolism. [the desire] To love someone who pushes you away is exemplified by God all the time. They hurt you but you still want the best for them.  They ignore you but anytime they might need you, you'll be there.  This experience makes me more sympathetic towards the way we treat God and I appreciate His love all the more.

Every time I find out that someone else I know got engaged/married...

1. I'm happy that another couple is committed to each other in life and love, and I pray the best for their relationship.
2. A little piece of me dies inside because I yearn to have the same for myself, yet there are no prospects on the horizon.

When I think about the current status of my life...

1. It saddens me that I haven't accomplished so many things that I set out to do when I was much younger.  I want to do more, be more, LIVE more!
2. Yet, I feel like an ungrateful wretch to have what I do and long for more when so many others in the world are suffering. Their lives are the sum total of REAL suffering; and here I am whining about my 1st-world problems. Ugh!

Concerning my relationship with Jesus...

1. I know He is real because of amazing things He's already done in my life. I chose Him because He chose me... loved me... died for me. I feel honored to know that He used Himself as collateral for my sinful debts. I believe that whatever He does is in my best interest, even though I don't always understand.
2. I hate that I don't understand what God is doing in my life and it frustrates the crap outta me! I know He hears my prayers and is working behind the scenes but so much seems SO unfair. I'm tired of not getting any answers (or not the answers that I want). My faith feels worn out!

I'm well aware of the eternal battle between flesh and spirit but that doesn't bring me any comfort in dealing with these inner conflicts. Welp, just wanted to get this off my chest. As you were.

be blessed,
pVI

So, 2012... it's been real!

As I'm about to give this year the "deuces" and welcome 2013, I'm thinking back on the last 364 days.  Towards the end of this year, I slacked-off in blogging and I'm disappointed with myself about that. :o(  2012 has all but destroyed me emotionally and some of the aftermath is following me into the new year... but I was also able to check several things off my bucket list. God is still real and His grace will continue to carry me through. 

Thank you for your presence here--I truly appreciate it!  :o)  My intention is to get back into the swing of things here on the blog, so stay tuned.  And I pray that 2013 is filled with the best that God has for you.  Happy New Year from Holy Hotness by pVI!

photo credit: http://photo.elsoar.com

something is wrong [confessional]

In the last few weeks, I've noticed a spike in certain behaviors that I know have some issues behind them: online shopping and [emotional] eating.  (I would've included lustful thoughts in the mix, but those seem to never completely go away. #FAIL) It's no secret that these kinds of things are used to mask some underlying problem; I just don't know what that problem is.  Or maybe I do know what it is but I just don't want to admit it.  Because if I do that, then I'll have to give it to God... and leave it there... leave myself exposed... exposed to exchanging my 'security blankets' for God's love and having to trust that it's [more than] enough to meet my needs.

That's scary... even for someone who has been 'saved' as long as I have. How pitiful is that? *sigh*  I'm gonna fast tomorrow--no solid food until the sun goes down.  And by that time, I hope I would have put to rest whatever's eating at my soul.  Recently, I got a hint that God has a major breakthrough coming my way, so it shouldn't be surprising that I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden.  The night is always darkest before the dawn... Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning... 

By dawn on Monday morning, I pray that my fast would have brought me God's peace about what happened, is happening, and will happen in my life. Your prayers in agreement are also appreciated. Amen.

Fling Chune FRIDAY: Get to Know Ya

Happy Friday once again, fam--sorry for the delay!  This week was definitely an emotional roller-coaster for me as I had to deal with some feelings from the past that I never thought I would have to face again.  Speaking to an old friend led to a conversation in which they asked me about something that happened a LONG time ago, and that completely floored me.  I had no clue they felt a certain way after so many years and them just throwing it at me out of the blue was something I never saw coming.  The funny thing is that I'm so glad they did finally come to me about it because it opened the door for reconciliation... until I realized that I had some unresolved feelings of my own. *sigh*  This episode has the potential to be quite epic so I'm over-thinking the whole scenario [as usual] and praying for God to work things out for the best--salvation for that person.  I hope I don't mess things up...

Along with old feelings came old chunes because I had to go back and listen to songs from the soundtrack of my life that were in heavy rotation at the time.  Came across some vintage Tamia [I wore that album OUT!], Monica, Eric Benet, 112, and the like.  If none of these names sound even remotely familiar then you just weren't feeling neo-soul/R&B of the late 90s-early-2000 era.

Today's chune is one of my all-time faves from my trip down memory lane.  Not because I was ever into Maxwell as an artist, but something about this particular track just gets me in a groove every time!  That bass line is ferocious and the blaring brass in the background adds undeniable funk.  Truth be told, I enjoy the song just as well without Maxwell's vocals--the production is just that fierce!

get your weekend bounce on to dis!

pVI

music just does "it" to me

Everyone has something that does "it" to them. You know...IT. That indescribable feeling that makes you experience multiple emotions all at once. Each person has a different trigger for "it"; some have more than one. But I realized a long time ago that music did "it" to me. Still does... And every time, "it" still feels brand new.

In my case, music transports me to a mind-altered state. One in which the laws of the universe are non-existent and my consciousness takes on another form. By that, I mean that a song, a tune, the first few notes of a composition all instantaneously give me flashbacks to the environment/emotions/frame of mind I was in when I originally heard it. For most people, this kinda thing happens with smells. And that's no coincidence because the olfactory system happens to have a direct pathway to the area of the brain that also stores and processes emotional memory. (Sorry... went nerd on ya for just a little bit, but I digress.) However, yours truly experiences this phenomenon instead through hearing music. Some research has been done in this area, as well, but lets just keep talking about me, shall we? :o)

image credit: http://www.newswise.com

So I'll openly admit my 'soft spot' for 90s R&B music, and I'm guessing that has something to do with the fact that it provided most of the soundtrack for my rebellious phase during adolescence (i.e. sneaking and listening to secular music so my mom wouldn't know). And it's nothing short of amazing the way a song I haven't heard or thought of in almost 20 years can elicit a That's So Raven-esque type of vision of everything that was going on in my life when I first used to listen to it. It's so intense that not only my mind's eye is seeing what I used to see, raw emotions wash over me like waves tsunami. Like, I can remember as far back as age 4 or 5--singing What's Love Got to do With It. And now, hearing that song reminds me that I would sing it to keep my mind off the fact that my parents were fighting. They got divorced shortly after.

And then there's music as a function of worship. I've chronicled my thoughts on the way music affects mood (and at some point, I'm gonna post on the true purpose of music), but when it's power is intentionally harnessed to exalt the most high God?! #chillsupmyspine That is sumthin' kinda serious! I don't play instruments or produce beats but, thankfully, I was blessed with the ability to hold a note. Singing came naturally to me as a little young thang and I grew up singing solos in church and being one of the crunkest altos you'll ever find in choirs. But whether alone or within a group, singing to the glory of God is able to skyrocket my spirit out into the stratosphere. I recall having my very first independent experience with the Holy Spirit during a rehearsal with my gospel choir in college. Other times when we went to minister through song, I've felt nothing short of out-of-body experiences... spiritually transcending time and space while being fully aware of where my body is standing and knowing which words come next in the song. #truestory I'm not doing a lick of justice in trying to articulate this, but I can truly say that mere words fall short in every way. You just have to feel it for yourself.

Ultimately, I'm grateful to have the soundtrack of my life stored in the recesses of my mind, only needing a few notes to bring it back to recall. Hmmmm... ain't that sumthin'??! Evolutionary theory notwithstanding, can't nobody tell me there is no God!

Bless,

pVI