The "heart" truth?*

*Disclaimer: "The heart truth" is a registered trademark for a program of the National Institutes of Health.  Full attribution has been given via the official website here [http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/educational/hearttruth/] and no commercial gain is resulting from the use of the slogan as the title of this blog post.*

Yes, the word "heart" is in the title, but I can assure you that this isn't post-Valentine's day fluff and sweetness.  I've been mulling over this topic for a minute and I just hope it can bless somebody because it's coming from raw feels deep down inside. 

The world says: The heart wants what [who] the heart wants. The word says:  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it? I can say from personal experience that both are unmistakeably true.  Over the last several months, I've been on a journey that took me to the outskirts of emotional purgatory, courtesy of my "heart".  At 30 years old, I learned things about myself that genuinely scared the mess outta me primarily because I was willing to let my feels overrule my thoughts.  That never happens to me... but it did.

At some point, I made the decision to get something I had gone without for longer than I was willing to tolerate: sex/[a sorry substitute for] love/emotional affirmation from a man.... one that I knew and trusted.... one that I was in love with once upon a time.  Without any other romantic interests looking in my direction, he seemed like the 'logical' choice.  Plus, I was picking up some vibes from him that he was feeling me too, so... all systems GO! for "Operation: Get Some", right?!!  Sure!  Except for a minor detail called sin; aka disobeying God; bka following my heart.

My 'heart' was leading me straight to hell, and I was doing the REAL Harlem shake [holla to Puff Daddy!] all the way there.  I was under no misconceptions about my intentions and the actions they were leading to.  In fact, I had made up my mind that I was gonna ride my carnal inclinations for all they were worth [you know that pun was intended!], brace myself for the firestorm of consequences and repercussions, then grovel for forgiveness at the feet of all-merciful God.  After all, He has pardoned others of much 'worse' than what I had in mind so how bad could it be? Welp, let's see: unplanned pregnancy, STDs/HIV, sexual assault, unauthorized sex tapes, rejection, emotional abuse, and untimely death (just because *shrug*).... and I just came up with those off the top of my head.

And--would ya believe it?--my 'heart' still wanted to go through with this twisted affair!  So when the Bible tells you straight up that the heart is "deceitful above all things": if ya don't know, now ya know!  The funny thing is that my brain computed all of these risks, yet my heart flesh was able to cancel them out.  For the sake of a man that I used to be truly in love with YEARS ago but who 'kinda sorta liked me' now, but did nothing to actually show it. My brain told me that I was setting myself up for massive disappointment and that this situation was wrong on every level, but I convinced myself that I was being "true to my feelings". 

To make a long, sordid story short, he and I never hooked up.  In fact, he pretty much dismissed me after I confessed my true feelings for him.  Yeah... didn't see that coming.  It was the worst AND best thing that could have happened to me.  I'm convinced that God blocked it as a way to rescue my pitiful self from an epic fail (and I'll have more thoughts to share on that later).  But even now, I can't figure out why my heart wanted this man so desperately!  Growing up, I observed women act the damn fool over men who weren't worth the time of day, and I thought to myself "She is SO sad. Desperation ain't a good look, girl--leave him yesterday, already!"  But I never thought I'd be that girl, better yet, completely embrace what it felt like to be that girl. Y'all, I was so twisted that I found myself sympathizing with Olivia Pope's adulterous escapades! (For those of you who aren't "gladiators in suits", I'm talking about the main character of the TV show Scandal.) Being ruled by your heart/flesh takes you to a dark place and I think I just scratched the surface of the damage that can result. I can never again judge a woman who says "I don't know why I love him--I just do."  But what I can do is pray that, like me, God gives her the intervention she doesn't want but badly needs needs to rip her from her own heart's grimy claws.

So, what now?  Truth is, I'm still traumatized by the whole mess that is the current state of my spiritual/emotional life, but dude is slowly being deleted from my system.  Allowing Jesus back to His rightful place in my heart is tough but at least I'm back on the right track.  It's no easy task to exchange current desires for future blessings, and I struggle with that every single day.  But if I'm gonna be the Christian that I claim to be, this just comes with the territory. [sigh]  

Create in me a [clean] pure heart, O God, and renew a [right] steadfast spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

be blessed,

pVI 

turning a page...

It has been a while, wow... I've missed you. :-)  I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks for several reasons.  I started off on a path to self-development and spiritual renewal which was going well... and then things started taking some interesting turns--not all for the best, I'm afraid.  

I've been battling with how to handle some major 'possibilities' that have surfaced recently--two things, in particular, that I've spent years in waiting for.  Both are of life-altering magnitude and I am just beside myself in trying to discern God's direction.  

There's a level of selfishness that I've noticed in myself, though, and acting on it can completely derail everything God has done in my life up to this point.  It scares me... that I have even considered taking this situation into my own hands, effectively flying in God's face--and then planning to beg for His mercy afterwards.  Yes ladies and gentlemen: that is how you [plan to] abuse the grace of God.  For the record, I neither recommend nor endorse my own [planned] behavior but I am just being open transparent with you.

It truly is disconcerting: contemplating things that I considered absolutely unthinkable before.  The battle with our flesh (i.e. natural inclination towards sin) is legit, and I'm feeling understanding that now more than ever.  The good thing is that I'm not alone in this. Others have gone through it, are going through it now and will go through it in the future.  I love the way Paul consoles and enlightens us about this struggle in Romans 8:

⁵ Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. ⁶ So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. ⁷ For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. ⁸ That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.
⁹ But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. ¹² Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,^[e] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. ¹³ For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,^[f] you will live. ¹⁴ For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children^[g] of God.

I hope to be driven by God's voice and filled with His spirit in all that I do, but I can't do it alone.  So I'm asking for your prayers as I close out 2012, and seek to open a new chapter of my life in 2013.  Thanks in advance, and stay tuned!

be blessed,
pVI

"strong drink" for Christians

I don't drink--by choice. That choice has a lot to do with me being [raised as] a Christian but it has just as much to do with my personal convictions. Even during my rebellious years, I never got drunk but prefferred to steal sips through the cocktail straws of my friends' drinks. I could probably count the number of alcoholic encounters I've had on both hands (maybe even one; I never actually kept track). 

But before you get the wrong idea and take this as a sanctimonious ode to my self-restraint, the reason I decided to talk about my [in]experience with alcohol was because I'm constantly re-evaluating my stance on the issue. I read an article tonight that provided a really unique perspective on the issue--The Pleasures and Perils of Fermentation--so that re-kindled my thoughts, as well.

image credit: http://www.thelifeofluxury.com

For the record, I don't think that drinking alcohol is a "sin"--but I do think that drunkenness is (or it should be). Also, drinking in public around those who aren't saved--but they know that I am--may confuse them based on society's views of what Christians should and shouldn't do. Yes, I know that I shouldn't be driven by what other people think, BUT there are some instances where our actions can deeply impact those on the outside looking in, or even new believers--and this particular verse has been the driving force behind my decision to not [openly] partake of alcohol. 

Personally, I would have no problem drinking a glass of wine in the privacy of my home but I haven't taken the step to actually buy any. I don't feel compelled to; plus, I wouldn't know which kind to get. Pairing with particular foods or rattling off vintage years is too much hassle to enjoy a beverage in my humble opinion, but I'm definitely open to suggestions if the opportunity presents itself. For my consumption purposes, wine is where it stops, though--even in my 'wild' days, the hard liquor never appealed to me. And I can't stand the smell of beer, so there's nothing to worry about there. 

At this point, I haven't had anything close to a drink in years but I'll be sure to let you all know if and when I do. ;o) Until then...

Be blessed,

pVI