The "heart" truth?*

*Disclaimer: "The heart truth" is a registered trademark for a program of the National Institutes of Health.  Full attribution has been given via the official website here [http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/educational/hearttruth/] and no commercial gain is resulting from the use of the slogan as the title of this blog post.*

Yes, the word "heart" is in the title, but I can assure you that this isn't post-Valentine's day fluff and sweetness.  I've been mulling over this topic for a minute and I just hope it can bless somebody because it's coming from raw feels deep down inside. 

The world says: The heart wants what [who] the heart wants. The word says:  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it? I can say from personal experience that both are unmistakeably true.  Over the last several months, I've been on a journey that took me to the outskirts of emotional purgatory, courtesy of my "heart".  At 30 years old, I learned things about myself that genuinely scared the mess outta me primarily because I was willing to let my feels overrule my thoughts.  That never happens to me... but it did.

At some point, I made the decision to get something I had gone without for longer than I was willing to tolerate: sex/[a sorry substitute for] love/emotional affirmation from a man.... one that I knew and trusted.... one that I was in love with once upon a time.  Without any other romantic interests looking in my direction, he seemed like the 'logical' choice.  Plus, I was picking up some vibes from him that he was feeling me too, so... all systems GO! for "Operation: Get Some", right?!!  Sure!  Except for a minor detail called sin; aka disobeying God; bka following my heart.

My 'heart' was leading me straight to hell, and I was doing the REAL Harlem shake [holla to Puff Daddy!] all the way there.  I was under no misconceptions about my intentions and the actions they were leading to.  In fact, I had made up my mind that I was gonna ride my carnal inclinations for all they were worth [you know that pun was intended!], brace myself for the firestorm of consequences and repercussions, then grovel for forgiveness at the feet of all-merciful God.  After all, He has pardoned others of much 'worse' than what I had in mind so how bad could it be? Welp, let's see: unplanned pregnancy, STDs/HIV, sexual assault, unauthorized sex tapes, rejection, emotional abuse, and untimely death (just because *shrug*).... and I just came up with those off the top of my head.

And--would ya believe it?--my 'heart' still wanted to go through with this twisted affair!  So when the Bible tells you straight up that the heart is "deceitful above all things": if ya don't know, now ya know!  The funny thing is that my brain computed all of these risks, yet my heart flesh was able to cancel them out.  For the sake of a man that I used to be truly in love with YEARS ago but who 'kinda sorta liked me' now, but did nothing to actually show it. My brain told me that I was setting myself up for massive disappointment and that this situation was wrong on every level, but I convinced myself that I was being "true to my feelings". 

To make a long, sordid story short, he and I never hooked up.  In fact, he pretty much dismissed me after I confessed my true feelings for him.  Yeah... didn't see that coming.  It was the worst AND best thing that could have happened to me.  I'm convinced that God blocked it as a way to rescue my pitiful self from an epic fail (and I'll have more thoughts to share on that later).  But even now, I can't figure out why my heart wanted this man so desperately!  Growing up, I observed women act the damn fool over men who weren't worth the time of day, and I thought to myself "She is SO sad. Desperation ain't a good look, girl--leave him yesterday, already!"  But I never thought I'd be that girl, better yet, completely embrace what it felt like to be that girl. Y'all, I was so twisted that I found myself sympathizing with Olivia Pope's adulterous escapades! (For those of you who aren't "gladiators in suits", I'm talking about the main character of the TV show Scandal.) Being ruled by your heart/flesh takes you to a dark place and I think I just scratched the surface of the damage that can result. I can never again judge a woman who says "I don't know why I love him--I just do."  But what I can do is pray that, like me, God gives her the intervention she doesn't want but badly needs needs to rip her from her own heart's grimy claws.

So, what now?  Truth is, I'm still traumatized by the whole mess that is the current state of my spiritual/emotional life, but dude is slowly being deleted from my system.  Allowing Jesus back to His rightful place in my heart is tough but at least I'm back on the right track.  It's no easy task to exchange current desires for future blessings, and I struggle with that every single day.  But if I'm gonna be the Christian that I claim to be, this just comes with the territory. [sigh]  

Create in me a [clean] pure heart, O God, and renew a [right] steadfast spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

be blessed,

pVI 

#feelinginadequate < #Godsgrace

I didn't want this to be a "woe is me" post, rather an explanation of why I haven't been posting regularly for the last few months.  Earlier, I mentioned taking some time off for personal development--and that's what I did (but not really).  I also shared about the downward slope I was sliding on and the fact that I was [not proud about being] just all up in my flesh.  I've been getting my mail in an emotional, spiritual and mental abyss for a minute; it's been ugly.  And that's the reason why I've been so quiet here... I haven't felt worthy of writing here.

Yeah, it's my blog and I don't owe anyone anything here, but my intention has always been to remain true to God and myself, and in so doing, to my readers.  Welp, I've been truly a mess and nobody likes to put their dirty laundry on blast.  But what I'm learning through all this is the significance of God's grace.  All while I was scheming and plotting my way into some epic mischief, He never left me to be undone my own devices.  Believe me when I say I was actively trying to have my "good Christian woman" card revoked, but as the song goes, God blocked it.  Yes, people--God is the ultimate blocker. After my failed attempts, I was finally able to pick my common sense up off the floor and dust it off to realize that He was working behind the scenes to save my [spiritual] behind at the expense of my flesh.  It hurt like hell to not get what I wanted, but what softened the blow was knowing that I was rescued from a LOT more pain down the road if I had succeeded in my schemes.

Soooo, what now?  Since I learned my lesson [hopefully], I'll be working on strengthening my relationship with Him.  After all, any relationship can only be successful if both parties are putting in work.  I was slacking up big time, but God pulled my weight and His.  I'm gonna work on returning the favor.  I know that I'll have my moments and slip up every now and then, but the difference is that I'm in a better head space.  

Thanks for hanging in there with me and for keeping me lifted up during this difficult time.  I've learned a lot about myself and my God, so the struggle was worth it.  It's not over but I'm headed back in the right direction... I hope you'll stick around for the ride.

covered by His grace,

pVI

Fling Chune FRIDAY: Meditate

Happy Friday and 'day-after-Turkey-day' to one and all! Sorry this week's chune is running late, but I can assure you that it's not due to Black Friday madness! I haven't shopped for the day (we'll see how long that lasts, though). LOL  But my Thanksgiving was chill, which is normal for me. I'm an only child and my parents divorced when I was a younggin', so I've never really been the beneficiary of those tight-knit family holiday gatherings... and that's fine. 

Today's chune is something of a note-to-self, in that my mind has been going buck wild lately.  I've always had an active imagination and intense thought life [it's an only child thing; you wouldn't understand], but things have gotten to a whole 'nother level... and not in a good way, either.  This will probably be more than you ever care to hear me say, but I'll put it out there, anyway: I'm thinking about sex. Yeah, I said it--this Christian woman thinks about SEX! Like, my inner porn star God-given sexual nature wants to make itself known. *sigh* Too bad that's not an option for me within the immediate future... (And that's already TMI, so I'll shut this convo down...unless you choose to bring it up in the comment box. Then it's on and poppin'! LOL)

But back to the chune at hand--I need to re-focus my thoughts on what really matters.  I want to throw my mind into God with the same reckless abandon, but the score is shaping up like this: God=4, sex=277. #FAIL  So Meditate by sister-group Out of Eden came to mind after having it on heavy rotation back in my college daze.  That was around the time I recently re-committed my life to Christ and needed all the help I could get to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.  I guess life is truly cyclical as I'm in a similar state of mind almost 10 years later.  The good thing is that God remains the same yesterday, today and forever!

Be blessed!

pVI